If you're easily bored I suggest you turn back now. The following is a series of ramblings from my feeble brain:
I had a little epiphany this weekend, about myself and food and the unhealthy relationship between the two. The epiphany is not that I comfort eat, because I would say 9 out of 10 people do that to some degree, but the big realisation was WHY I comfort eat - where that feeling comes from. When I was younger I spent alot of time by myself, and not by choice either. Being from a golfing family I would find myself every Sunday being foisted upon my grandparents to be babysat so that everyone could go off and play golf, which is no biggie really, except that I had nothing to do there and would spend hours alone, making up stupid games and the like. When I got old enough to stay at home by myself, I was no longer sent to the grandparents, and would spend all Sunday for about 12 hours in the house alone and bored. No, this isn't when I would eat.
When my Dad lived with us, things were not so bad because he was at least vaguely aware of my existence, but once he was gone I turned see-through. It was then that my Mum started wanting to go out on Saturday afternoons as well, and my sister was old enough to be out with her friends all weekend, so that just left me. As a bribe each Saturday afternoon my Mum would buy me a CD of my choice, and a big packet of pistachio nuts. To this day I can still demolish half a kilo in one sitting. So, this is when food started to keep me company.
The worst of it was that I would ring my Mum all afternoon and all night to ask her when she would be coming home - the answer was always "soon" (which meant hours, not minutes), with a promise of McDonalds for dinner. So guess what happens next? Suddenly McDonalds is associated - in my mind - with fixing my alone and lonely feelings. Christ, it's like I'm a psychologist or something. As the years went on, I kept using all the take-away foods for this purpose, which of course ended up with me gaining weight and feeling awful. The more weight I gained, the more I isolated myself from situations where I felt self-conscious, and from the people who kept trying to get me to un-isolate myself. So what happens when you isolate yourself like that? You feel alone and lonely, and the cycle continues visciously to the point where you have to join Weight Watchers and you have less self-worth than a piece of toilet paper.
How did I come across this epiphany? Well I had a little micro-breakdown over the weekend because I felt awful and alone, and I knew that I couldn't comfort-eat the way I normally would and still stick to my Weight Watchers plan. How upsetting. Even more upsetting was my eventual realisation that not only could I not eat the food that would make me feel better, but that no food could make me feel better anyway. It's tough to be at the bottom of a hole and see your handy dandy escape ladder being pulled up and out of your reach. I think these ramblings will help me to stop using food for comfort though, so there's that.
We will now resume normal programming.
I had a little epiphany this weekend, about myself and food and the unhealthy relationship between the two. The epiphany is not that I comfort eat, because I would say 9 out of 10 people do that to some degree, but the big realisation was WHY I comfort eat - where that feeling comes from. When I was younger I spent alot of time by myself, and not by choice either. Being from a golfing family I would find myself every Sunday being foisted upon my grandparents to be babysat so that everyone could go off and play golf, which is no biggie really, except that I had nothing to do there and would spend hours alone, making up stupid games and the like. When I got old enough to stay at home by myself, I was no longer sent to the grandparents, and would spend all Sunday for about 12 hours in the house alone and bored. No, this isn't when I would eat.
When my Dad lived with us, things were not so bad because he was at least vaguely aware of my existence, but once he was gone I turned see-through. It was then that my Mum started wanting to go out on Saturday afternoons as well, and my sister was old enough to be out with her friends all weekend, so that just left me. As a bribe each Saturday afternoon my Mum would buy me a CD of my choice, and a big packet of pistachio nuts. To this day I can still demolish half a kilo in one sitting. So, this is when food started to keep me company.
The worst of it was that I would ring my Mum all afternoon and all night to ask her when she would be coming home - the answer was always "soon" (which meant hours, not minutes), with a promise of McDonalds for dinner. So guess what happens next? Suddenly McDonalds is associated - in my mind - with fixing my alone and lonely feelings. Christ, it's like I'm a psychologist or something. As the years went on, I kept using all the take-away foods for this purpose, which of course ended up with me gaining weight and feeling awful. The more weight I gained, the more I isolated myself from situations where I felt self-conscious, and from the people who kept trying to get me to un-isolate myself. So what happens when you isolate yourself like that? You feel alone and lonely, and the cycle continues visciously to the point where you have to join Weight Watchers and you have less self-worth than a piece of toilet paper.
How did I come across this epiphany? Well I had a little micro-breakdown over the weekend because I felt awful and alone, and I knew that I couldn't comfort-eat the way I normally would and still stick to my Weight Watchers plan. How upsetting. Even more upsetting was my eventual realisation that not only could I not eat the food that would make me feel better, but that no food could make me feel better anyway. It's tough to be at the bottom of a hole and see your handy dandy escape ladder being pulled up and out of your reach. I think these ramblings will help me to stop using food for comfort though, so there's that.
We will now resume normal programming.
7 Comments:
Thanks TFG - I know it seems obvious once you say it out loud but little triggers like that can plague you for years without you realising it. I haven't had that problem of waiting around for someone to bring me Maccas for a number of years now, but the problem did get worse once I had a car and could drive myself around to binge on all the junk I could handle. It sure explains why I hate being by myself, even for half an hour - I avoid it at all costs!
Can you go for a walk when you're lonely? go to the library/bookstore? A coffee shop? Someplace where people are, even if they're strangers?
I always associated food with reward, for doing well on a test, for working hard, anything. Food was also a comfort. I remember having a bad day and eating a whole quart of ice cream.
I know finding the triggers is painful, and trying to break them even more so but you are half way there and that is pretty damn great.
The only other suggestion is taking up knitting, it keeps your hands occupied!
Now that you've identified the problem the solution should be easy, no?
Pass some of your psychologizing my way, would you?
Ubes: Funny you should mention the library - I'd already planned on joining this week! I guess at the moment my plan for dealing with it is to not be alone, but how long can that really work?
LMK: I suppose it's like the first step is admitting you have a problem? I did try knitting a couple of years ago, I made it as far as one scarf and I knew I just wasn't doing well! I've sinced learned to crochet - square after square after square ;)
Nick: I am once again reclaiming my title as Weight Loss Queen of the Universe - so yes, I guess from here on in it should be a bit easier. I would psychologocolilalise you but I am scared to see inside your head. I think there's one of those birds with a glass of water in there, and Home saying "it's DRINKING the WATER!" ???
Inisde my head is a dark, lonely place, so I don't blame you.
I think a lot of today's adults have "abandonment issues", and food is hard to resist as a crutch. You seem to have come to terms with your tendency to comfort-eat, and that's the 1st step to correcting that. Great post!
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