If there's one thing we know about life, it's that you cannot change time. You can't reverse it or speed it up or bend it any way you choose. Often we have too much of it, or not enough, or it's getting away from us and we're racing against it. They say it's death and taxes, but I would have thought it would be time as well. So why then must we have 1 extra week of daylight saving time on a whim? It's the Commonwealth Games that did it, we didn't want to change clocks in the middle of the proceedings and confuse everyone. It just makes time seem silly though, as though we can control it and show it who's boss. Nice try, but no cigar. Time still wins. I wish it was next week, and dark at 6 o'clock. Actually, I always wish for something it isn't.
I went to Ladies Day at the races this weekend - horrible, crippling self-confidence issues in tow. None of this helped by my mother who told me during my races-eve dress rehearsal how much weight I need to lose and how she hoped no one would ask me if I was pregnant. I didn't have alot of time to worry about how bad I looked though, because I wore my painful new teal shoes and I lost alot of feeling in my toenails as the day wore on. I was much relieved to see a very large girl there wearing a midriff bearing ensemble, with her stretch-marked white belly hanging out in full view. I felt positively stylish after that.
What I DID take away from this races experience was how much I miss men. At the next table there was a boyfriend and girlfriend there together, and as the 8 hours of champagne took effect they started making out at the table (which was a little gross because as you know, alcohol does affect your aim) but it made me think of how long it's been since I've even kissed someone - ie. ages - and that was a pretty sad thought. So, armed with my new determination to kiss once more, and my even greater determination to have sex again before I die, I will be attending my local Weight Watcherooni meeting this week, and all the weeks after. A pash before Christmas seems like a reasonable goal to me. (See that, Gwatahoosie? A goal!!)
I went to Ladies Day at the races this weekend - horrible, crippling self-confidence issues in tow. None of this helped by my mother who told me during my races-eve dress rehearsal how much weight I need to lose and how she hoped no one would ask me if I was pregnant. I didn't have alot of time to worry about how bad I looked though, because I wore my painful new teal shoes and I lost alot of feeling in my toenails as the day wore on. I was much relieved to see a very large girl there wearing a midriff bearing ensemble, with her stretch-marked white belly hanging out in full view. I felt positively stylish after that.
What I DID take away from this races experience was how much I miss men. At the next table there was a boyfriend and girlfriend there together, and as the 8 hours of champagne took effect they started making out at the table (which was a little gross because as you know, alcohol does affect your aim) but it made me think of how long it's been since I've even kissed someone - ie. ages - and that was a pretty sad thought. So, armed with my new determination to kiss once more, and my even greater determination to have sex again before I die, I will be attending my local Weight Watcherooni meeting this week, and all the weeks after. A pash before Christmas seems like a reasonable goal to me. (See that, Gwatahoosie? A goal!!)
13 Comments:
I fear a shoe experience like yours once I start teaching and have to wear close-toed dress like shoes.
I wish time would slow down. 15 gazillion assessment items in 3 weeks make KK go something something.
You were my 6000th visitor, according to my counter :o)
It may not be accurate, it has a drinking problem.
You know what the rest of us know that you don't, Loz?
You're lovable right now. The size you are now.
If you want to lose weight for your own reasons, because you want to be healthier, or run in a marathon or something, I'm cheering you on.
But I wish you wouldn't think you were doing it to please some hypothetical man, who might not be worth the effort anyway.
I DID notice, yes.
Well done.
Ubes: that's a good point - and i THINK this is what i mean... i am not at all comfortable with how i look, so much so that i avoid going out any more than is necessary. because of this i never meet people, which is handy because i'm pretty sure when i meet any new person that they don't like me - mostly because of how i look but also because i'm boring and a terrible conversationalist. these things may or may not be true, but such are the effects of my depression/self esteem issues. so i guess my hope is that if i can become comfortable with how i look i will be more confident, and so on and so forth. i've also been fantasising recently about becoming A Person Who Jogs.
WBB: I often wonder about her motivation myself. I realise she says things like that to try and help me see myself realistically (because no one ever told her how she looked after she stacked on the weight herself) but sometimes it seems plain mean-spirited. I don't know... I guess these relationships are complicated.
Kallun: I am in a world of goals at the moment.
Parents make mistakes and they aren't all-powerful.
I used to think my mom knew everything, and that's why her opinions carried such weight and did such devastating things to me.
Now I see she's flawed and fragile, just like the rest of us, and it's helped me take her criticisms better AND helped me (I hope!) try to avoid making the same mistakes with my children.
lozzy..
my father used to tell me, and i do mean from about the age of 7 on, that the song "fat bottom girls" was about me. i know he was making jokes, but at 7? that shit stings. i went on my first self-imposed i'm-fat diet at the age of 9. it took me a long time to learn to just get over myself and dress my body and not to fit some size i thought i should be.
so i don't know what people are thinking, especially the ones closest to us..sometimes, i have to assume, they just lose their minds.
i think you're lovely as you are.
but best wishes with the weight watchers thing all the same. i've heard that it really works!
also, what's a pash?
WBB: Exactly! My mum doesn't understand why I get upset over her comments, but no matter what her intentions it simply DOES NOT HELP ME. I often feel like telling her that if she could treat me like I was OK the way I am then maybe I would feel good enough about myself to fix things. It seems like everything in the world somehow comes back to my being overweight - "Oh no, that Cyclone Larry sure did alot of damage!" "Well, it's probably because you're carrying all the extra weight."
Ubes: I suspect that my anger at my mum over other issues means that I have trouble getting the positive messages out of what she says. I know parents are people and god knows the mistakes I will probably make if I have kids, but just like you I think I have found a few I will know to avoid!
Ginny: now THAT'S cruel - it's great that you were actually able to get a healthy attitude to your body after being told that as a kid. maybe sometimes those people close to us are too close to see that which is obviously painful to us.
Dia: Thank you, thank you, and a kiss. Actually I think of a pash as one of those frenzied sort of kisses rather than a sweet romantic one.
A pash is a kiss! He he a pash!
Why are you doing this to yourself? Are you seeing a psychologist for help or taking any medication?
I'm 31 and from the age of 11 to 30 I'd allowed other people's opinions of me (or what I interpreted their opinions to be) rule my life!! I had only a few close friends, a very bizarre relationship with my mother where I'd ring every week to get my dose of negative reinforcement of "people are no good", "they're all laughing at fat blah blah blah" and would punished myself, with food, for being like that. I got to the point where I'd never go out, was afraid to eat in front of other people, would be teary, shitty etc at the drop of a hat. Basically I became what I never really was, a fat, boring, sad person!
DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE ON THAT CRAP!! Yes, life is supposed to be a journey of self discovery but only if you learn from it and stop those negative thoughts and actions. Have you?
I look back on how I was just a mere 10 months ago and am amazed at how far I've come!
So come on, don't waste any more time, get the help you need to claim that life you always dreamed of!!!
Michelle
I'm not doing anything to myself. I'm exercising, eating well, feeling happy and generally good about the world around me. I haven't felt this good in a very, very long time.
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