I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a disaster - and it's a place I've been before. I can just let go and fall into the hole, it would mean less effort for me and quite frankly it's a comfortable option. It would also mean alot of nagging and secrets and "Well I just don't know what to do about her", but the option is there.
On the other hand, I could hang on to the edge for as long as I can. It's a harder choice that one, it means being responsible and having some faith in being able to pull myself back up eventually. I don't like this idea because it's so stagnant and I know that things will go on as usual, not changing. I will still be the same person I am right now, which is so unappealing I wonder if I would even prefer to be worse as long as it's different. Which means going with the "let go and fall in" option...
I keep thinking of what's required in hanging on, and I don't know if I can do it. If I thought it was for a week, or a year, maybe I could - but it's just so damn "forever". Too much needs to be done, too many changes to be made and really I just feel so hopeless again. Invisible and too visible and boring and wrong. And so incapable of being as good as everyone else.
The best option would be to step back from the edge, and to take long strides in the opposite direction. This is the option that I keep expecting to just happen, without me having to put in any effort into changing myself or my life. This way I would be perfect, all grown up and focused and well balanced and worthy. I don't know - has anyone ever done that?
I know what's brought this on. I'm working too hard and extremely stressed about money. I am by nature a control freak - I can't owe anyone as much as 5 cents without losing sleep over it, and I can't get my head above water at the moment. I know things will improve but it's a situation I can't handle right now. Adding to my unhappiness is my complete dissatisfaction with every aspect of my appearance, from my ugly hair to my suddenly bad skin, and from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I feel like I'm inside a glass box, and because no one else can see it they don't know why I'm stuck.
On the other hand, I could hang on to the edge for as long as I can. It's a harder choice that one, it means being responsible and having some faith in being able to pull myself back up eventually. I don't like this idea because it's so stagnant and I know that things will go on as usual, not changing. I will still be the same person I am right now, which is so unappealing I wonder if I would even prefer to be worse as long as it's different. Which means going with the "let go and fall in" option...
I keep thinking of what's required in hanging on, and I don't know if I can do it. If I thought it was for a week, or a year, maybe I could - but it's just so damn "forever". Too much needs to be done, too many changes to be made and really I just feel so hopeless again. Invisible and too visible and boring and wrong. And so incapable of being as good as everyone else.
The best option would be to step back from the edge, and to take long strides in the opposite direction. This is the option that I keep expecting to just happen, without me having to put in any effort into changing myself or my life. This way I would be perfect, all grown up and focused and well balanced and worthy. I don't know - has anyone ever done that?
I know what's brought this on. I'm working too hard and extremely stressed about money. I am by nature a control freak - I can't owe anyone as much as 5 cents without losing sleep over it, and I can't get my head above water at the moment. I know things will improve but it's a situation I can't handle right now. Adding to my unhappiness is my complete dissatisfaction with every aspect of my appearance, from my ugly hair to my suddenly bad skin, and from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I feel like I'm inside a glass box, and because no one else can see it they don't know why I'm stuck.
12 Comments:
If you owe someone anything it's their problem to get it back, not yours. They may get pissy with you but then so would you if the situation was reversed. But they won't get that pissy unless you let them (usually by ignoring them) as it's expensive getting money back off people.
Self perception is a set of surprisingly flexible points of view. Conginitive Behavioural Therapy can be very good at identifying down right irrational thoughts masquerading as logical reasoned analysis and getting those thoughts to fuck off permanently.
Whooaa!! Sista that is a lot of "stuff" you're carrying there! Sounds like you are in need of not just CBT but perhaps some Anti Depressants first! Just to stop that cyclical internal dialogue!
I say this with true care as some of your phrases were mine, 9 months ago! Do you have someone (other than us) to talk to about this? You need to break it all down with a professional! This is too much for you to deal with on your own.
Good luck
Michelle
I think we need to go into blog group therapy.
Then we would all be able to lean on each other.
anything I can say of encouragement I worry will seem contrived.
I'll be thinking of ya.
i think blog group therapy sounds awesome.
anyway- i wish you thought you were as fabulous as i do. if you need to make changes to get there, then you'll make them eventually. the really important changes tend to take a long time. or at least it's taking me a reaaallly long time. so don't feel bad. everyone loves you baby!!
mondo: i'm well aware that alot of my thoughts are irrational. the trouble with thinking them for so many years is it gets harder to remember who is the real me and who is this irrational me. this CBT thing sounds alright.
michelle: that's actually something i had been considering and i've talked with my family about it this weekend, so i'm heading off to the doctor to see what he thinks. thanks for the advice - i know so many people have been here before me so there is lots of help to be had.
LMK: sometimes i feel like we're already in blog group therapy. for alot of us i suspect that's why we're here. it's comforting to know you're not robinson crusoe.
dia: it's taking me a reaaallly long time too! i hope i can get myself sorted out before i'm, you know... 86 or something. i could say all of these same things to you - i'll stop feeling bad if you do!
Even when everything is just right...it's really not just right. You strive to always make things better. That's a good thing. It's just a matter of making sure you don't beat the crap out of yourself in the process. Be nicer to yourself Loz, you're an awesome person.
Hold on, girl. Hold on.
No, wait, hold on,WOMAN, hold on.
Girl? Woman? 'Grrrl'? Womyn?
Hold on, Loz. Hold on.
Loz, Mongo will not hurt you if you come to Chicago. I promise.
Those people you see who seem to have it all together? It's an illusion. They are acting.
Bad feelings and bad circumstances come and go. Do you really want perfect skin, hair and body? Or do you want love, and think those things stand in your way of getting them?
I have a friend (well, we've lost touch but bear with me here.) She honest to God looks like Danny DeVito as the penguin. Including her shape. She gave up wearing deodorant and instead douses herself with Patchouli oil and "natural vanilla." (Is that extract from the baking aisle? anyway...) Despite all of this, she'd always have men attracted to her. She oozed self-confidence, even (or especially) when she was wearing Budweiser beer stretch pants.
You don't have to follow her stenchy example in a physical sense, but try thinking of your good points. Your cleverness, sense of humor, beautiful eyes. Try forgetting about making a list of all your bad points, and immerse yourself in things you find enjoyable, like sports or whatever.
It's not that YOU are bad; your thoughts are in a bad holding pattern. It's not easy to get out of, but all of us here encouraging you know it can be done because we've all been there.
We love you, Loz.
You're a scary ghost! I had to reassure her.
Boy, you sure are touchy for a dead guy.
And by "touchy," I don't mean you fondle people. That I know of.
ghostly you sure explain yourself alot?? maybe you care a bit to much what other people think. This should be the forum were you dont have to expain anything to anyone!!
Ok - new post, por favor.
you've learnt Spanish! good boy!
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