The blog is still here? Given that no one is still reading it, I figure this is a nice place to use as my new journal.
I must say it is a little sad to read back on my thoughts of April/May 2007 when I was so close to reaching my goal weight. For a split second I felt a sense of pride about how much weight I lost in the end, but I think that was kind of a flashback of my feelings at the time. The girl who wrote about being frustrated at still having to lose 2kg back then would be horribly disappointed in the fat girl typing this out now. But as this is a new year, it is time for a new attitude, and I have to stop the landslide before someone gets hurt.
As of this morning I set myself the goal of losing 18kg - again. I already lost it once before, but it found me again during what I can only describe as the best year of my life. When I realised I was gaining weight again, I panicked - a whole 5kg to lose! How impossible, this is terrible!! But weeks and months crept by, and I stepped on the scales once more, this time it's 10kg to lose. Much tougher... a few days of dieting followed by months of not dieting, and we arrive at the nice fat figure of nearly 20 kegs.
I remember promising myself back in the skinny days that I would never again have to lose so much weight. I was going to be vigilant in never gaining more than 3 or 4 kg, I was so confident in my new found status as a skinny girl, nothing could have taken it away from me.
It's been about 16 months now since I stopped watching my weight and started "enjoying my life" - and it certainly did start out that way. I wasn't even aware of when the enjoyment stopped, and the shame began, but it's been months now since I realised how awful I feel about the way I look, the way the fat feels as it wraps itself back around me, and yet another size of clothing refuses to fit. I look back on the little pants and tiny tops I was wearing with no problems 2 years ago, and I am angry with myself for what I've let happen.
Anger is rarely useful though, and to be honest I think I've been punishing myself by getting even fatter (something that would only make sense to a person who has always struggled with their weight). For those in my boat, logic about calories and fat and exercise always trails after the first instinct to eat your feelings of shame and disappointment and anger. So I officially call an end to the anger.
I declare today that I will not get fatter from here. I will check in to this journal every day to remind myself why I am here.
I will do what I know how to do, I will be skinny again in 2010.
I must say it is a little sad to read back on my thoughts of April/May 2007 when I was so close to reaching my goal weight. For a split second I felt a sense of pride about how much weight I lost in the end, but I think that was kind of a flashback of my feelings at the time. The girl who wrote about being frustrated at still having to lose 2kg back then would be horribly disappointed in the fat girl typing this out now. But as this is a new year, it is time for a new attitude, and I have to stop the landslide before someone gets hurt.
As of this morning I set myself the goal of losing 18kg - again. I already lost it once before, but it found me again during what I can only describe as the best year of my life. When I realised I was gaining weight again, I panicked - a whole 5kg to lose! How impossible, this is terrible!! But weeks and months crept by, and I stepped on the scales once more, this time it's 10kg to lose. Much tougher... a few days of dieting followed by months of not dieting, and we arrive at the nice fat figure of nearly 20 kegs.
I remember promising myself back in the skinny days that I would never again have to lose so much weight. I was going to be vigilant in never gaining more than 3 or 4 kg, I was so confident in my new found status as a skinny girl, nothing could have taken it away from me.
It's been about 16 months now since I stopped watching my weight and started "enjoying my life" - and it certainly did start out that way. I wasn't even aware of when the enjoyment stopped, and the shame began, but it's been months now since I realised how awful I feel about the way I look, the way the fat feels as it wraps itself back around me, and yet another size of clothing refuses to fit. I look back on the little pants and tiny tops I was wearing with no problems 2 years ago, and I am angry with myself for what I've let happen.
Anger is rarely useful though, and to be honest I think I've been punishing myself by getting even fatter (something that would only make sense to a person who has always struggled with their weight). For those in my boat, logic about calories and fat and exercise always trails after the first instinct to eat your feelings of shame and disappointment and anger. So I officially call an end to the anger.
I declare today that I will not get fatter from here. I will check in to this journal every day to remind myself why I am here.
I will do what I know how to do, I will be skinny again in 2010.
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