The Loz Blog

Sigh.

2010-01-07T17:28:00.001+11:00

5 days of dieting, haven't lost even 1g so far. Hmmmmm.

Keep on keepin' on.

Pizzaaaa

2010-01-04T20:29:00.002+11:00

Tonight I had the most delicious pizza - Chicken Avocado Tick from Crust. It's the second lowest point pizza on the menu (I tried to talk myself into the Baby Spinach Tick but no can do) and half of the medium pizza is a pretty low point dinner - 6.5

I was trying it as a bit of an experiment really, as I'm off to the gastro specialist tomorrow about my digestive problems and Crust pizza has always left me feeling the pain, unless I order gluten free. I thought if I triggered a little episode of my normal symptoms so I could show the doctor what I'm talking about, it might help. Having said that, the Tick pizzas come on wholemeal base, not the white pain inducing one, so in all likelihood it might not have made me sick anyway. So far, no symptoms, but this is my first time with wholemeal so only time will tell.

Of course I did kick my addiction to a nasty poison about 2 weeks ago, and haven't had a single stomach problem since. Perhaps it isn't gluten that's been the drama this whole time... but more on that tomorrow after I see the gastro man!

Pretty much sticking to my points - sad to say only 4 days in and I'm not being very regimented - but owing to still being on holidays I have been able to go for a walk during the day so I do have a little leeway to play with. I really do have to stop buying the olive bread from the supermarket, it's so hard to stop myself from eating it once it's in the house. Mango Weis bars have been my saviour so far, completely delicious, cold and only 1 point.

Day 2

2010-01-02T18:12:00.002+11:00

I gave in to the temptation of weighing myself this morning - ridiculous, I know. How much weight can someone lose through 1 day of dieting? 200g... which teaches me to be patient and only weigh myself once a week on Friday morning.

Today feels like more of a struggle than yesterday, for some reason. I think it's probably a tough time of year to start a diet because I'm not at work and so these nice long days stretch ahead of me asking to be filled with food. The upside of it is that being at home we can cook up something nice on the BBQ for lunch, so I feel like I am having something exciting rather than something overtly diety.

We got the groceries this morning, which is good because I am stocked up on low fat milk and healthy snacks and all that stuff. In my year of gluttony I did get somewhat used to picking up some nice little extras with the weekly shop, and I missed being able to do that today. Time to break the old habits though, and to start up the old OLD habits again.

I've done it before, afterall. How hard can it be?

Is this thing on?

2010-01-01T17:42:00.002+11:00

The blog is still here? Given that no one is still reading it, I figure this is a nice place to use as my new journal.

I must say it is a little sad to read back on my thoughts of April/May 2007 when I was so close to reaching my goal weight. For a split second I felt a sense of pride about how much weight I lost in the end, but I think that was kind of a flashback of my feelings at the time. The girl who wrote about being frustrated at still having to lose 2kg back then would be horribly disappointed in the fat girl typing this out now. But as this is a new year, it is time for a new attitude, and I have to stop the landslide before someone gets hurt.

As of this morning I set myself the goal of losing 18kg - again. I already lost it once before, but it found me again during what I can only describe as the best year of my life. When I realised I was gaining weight again, I panicked - a whole 5kg to lose! How impossible, this is terrible!! But weeks and months crept by, and I stepped on the scales once more, this time it's 10kg to lose. Much tougher... a few days of dieting followed by months of not dieting, and we arrive at the nice fat figure of nearly 20 kegs.

I remember promising myself back in the skinny days that I would never again have to lose so much weight. I was going to be vigilant in never gaining more than 3 or 4 kg, I was so confident in my new found status as a skinny girl, nothing could have taken it away from me.

It's been about 16 months now since I stopped watching my weight and started "enjoying my life" - and it certainly did start out that way. I wasn't even aware of when the enjoyment stopped, and the shame began, but it's been months now since I realised how awful I feel about the way I look, the way the fat feels as it wraps itself back around me, and yet another size of clothing refuses to fit. I look back on the little pants and tiny tops I was wearing with no problems 2 years ago, and I am angry with myself for what I've let happen.

Anger is rarely useful though, and to be honest I think I've been punishing myself by getting even fatter (something that would only make sense to a person who has always struggled with their weight). For those in my boat, logic about calories and fat and exercise always trails after the first instinct to eat your feelings of shame and disappointment and anger. So I officially call an end to the anger.

I declare today that I will not get fatter from here. I will check in to this journal every day to remind myself why I am here.

I will do what I know how to do, I will be skinny again in 2010.

Tuesday Bluesday

2007-07-24T17:59:00.000+10:00

I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't, I won't leave you on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

Wonderful World
James Morrison

Wow.

2007-07-22T14:58:00.001+10:00

So I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows today.

WOW.

Out of respect for my own safety and wanting to keep myself un-bitchslapped I'm not going to spoil the plot or ending for any of those people I know who still haven't finished the book because they keep falling asleep (Hi Kallun), I'm just going to say "WOW".

WOW.

This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down

2007-07-19T22:57:00.000+10:00

I saw Harry Potter tonight, it was disappointing in that it left out about 99% of the story that was in the book. Also there was very, VERY little Draco Malfoy content - an oversight that will make the film for the sixth book very confusing. Nerdishly, I have pre-ordered a copy of The Deathly Hallows to pick up on Saturday and read in its entirety almost immediately.

Have you ever noticed that when you hurt your hand - say, with a paper cut or similar - that you then proceed to hurt the same hand about 800 more times? I can see 6 cuts on my right hand right now and I don't know how any of them got there. Thanks to the freezingness of winter I am not able to feel any of them though, which is nice.

I'm not used to feeling this cold. I suppose that for the last 6 or so winters I have been overweight and so encased in a nice blubbery layer that protected me from coldness. Without that fat to keep me warm I find I have turned into one of those annoying girls who freezes the second the temperature drops below 25. My hands are the worst - they turn purple and lose feeling, and my knuckles have split open in protest and shock. Would I trade any of these problems to be 30kg heavier again? No thanks.

Incidentally I've reached my Weight Watchers goal weight and maintained it for 8 weeks now, so I can now use their services for free. As far as they're concerned I could weigh this forever and they'd be happy, but I have 3.6kg to lose to reach my own personal goal so, as they say, there is no rest for the wicked. And by that I mean me.

Does anyone have some spare cash?

2007-06-11T14:50:00.000+10:00

Thank you to the few but highly valued folks who stopped by to wish me a happy birthday. I did have a lovely time, thank you, but I'm sorry Brooke - there was no cake. I simply could not face the Weight Watchers ladies with cake in my belly.

I am returning to my old blogging form for today, and by this I do not mean posting every couple of days but ranting like a crazy person at something that has made me angry.

Firstly, I should point out to anyone reading this who does not know already: I am shithouse with money. I like to shop, I like to spend, I like to waste, I have a credit problem. Currently I have 4 credit accounts on the go, not maxed-out but some of them are damn close, and it's actually a sickening amount of debt for me to have given that I have nothing of any real value to show for it. I recently applied for a couple of loans to consolidate the cards and pay them up - and most importantly close the accounts - but was rejected because I could not afford to make the repayments. I suppose the bank does not take into account the fact that not only can I AFFORD to make the repayments on the loan, but that I am currently paying at least the same amount every week off the 4 individual accounts and getting nowhere. It's shovelling shit uphill, to put it bluntly.

Now I don't know who here has heard of GE Money, but as far as lenders go, they are the fucking spawn of Satan. They did briefly approve my loan to consolidate my credit cards, and waiting until I went all the way into their fucking office to fucking wait for the paperwork to fucking sign before informing me that unless I had four fucking thousand dollars in the fucking bank they could not give me the fucking loan. I wonder why they changed their mind so suddenly, after already telling me several times I had been approved?

Do you think it could have something to do with the fact that one of my credit cards is actually a GE Creditline account? And that on most of the nearly $5000 I owe them, they earn a princely 29% interest? I guess they figured out just in time that I am much more profitable to them as a poor Creditline sucker than a GE Money personal loan customer. Fuckers.

So, we've established that I hate them. As with all lenders, their TV commercials make them out to be this lovely, fun, caring finance company that really just wants to help make all your dreams come true. But I know better: I'm telling you, the fucking spawn of Satan. But I have further proof.

I have as little contact with them as possible - I like to keep our relationship on a "I'll pay you on time if you leave me the fuck alone" basis. The other day I received a totally unsolicited letter from GE reminding me what my PIN is so that I can withdraw cash from my Creditline account. At 29% interest. Because they want to make sure that all my dreams come true.

I think that will only work if all my dreams are of bankruptcy.

Are they fucking serious? They decided I was too much of a "credit risk" to give a personal loan to me, but they are prompting me to withdraw cash that in theory they think I can't pay back? The fucking spawn of Satan.

Not much has changed in 2 years

2007-05-14T18:13:00.000+10:00

I once again forgot to acknowledge my blogiversary. Looks like it was 2 years last Thursday - woot. Obviously this blogging caper is a very big part of my life.

What I haven't forgotten, however, is that it's my birthday on Sunday. You've been warned.

I got this postcard from The Body Shop about 10 years before I learned to appreciate what it really means

2007-05-08T18:03:00.000+10:00

On a somewhat related topic, I heard on the news that someone somewhere lost 6kg of cocaine. I just think it's great to lose 6kg of anything.

Many a hand has scaled the grand old face of the plateau

2007-04-12T20:29:00.000+10:00

I'm frustrated.

While I was triumphant in getting to my mini-goal early last month I have lost a disgustingly pitiful amount of weight since then. It hardly warrants a mention but I've lost 400g in 3 weeks. I know, it makes me feel quite ill too. If I could have lost another 100g this week I at least would have reached a weight milestone that would have helped psychologically, so I feel somewhat like I'm bashing my head against a wall (which does not burn nearly enough calories, as it turns out).

But the thing is, now I have a deadline. It's not like I have all the time in the world to lose this weight - I need to have lost another 2.1kg by May 10 to be able to enter the Slimmer of the Year competition. I suppose in theory I could win a car or at the very least some new clothes and a makeover, but the real reason I am dying to enter it is so that I have the satisfaction of knowing that I qualified for it. If I don't get to the goal in time, I will have to wait another 12 months for that feeling of accomplishment, and it's possible that I am the least patient person any of you have ever met.

There IS good news though... earlier this week I wore my new size 14 pants to work, and not only did they actually do up, but they were COMFORTABLE. I just checked this out for relevance and an Australian 14 is a US size 10. When I started this caper a year ago I was wearing a 20 or 22 (US 16 or 18) in just about everything, so I suppose the good news is I've lost 3 or 4 dress sizes. I've lost 22cm around my waist, and 4.5cm around my neck. And I never even realised I had a fat neck...

But like I said, I'm frustrated.

It's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you

2007-03-22T21:52:00.000+11:00

I'm still here, safe and well and plodding along nicely.

OK, so maybe I've had a few freakouts where I realised I was in over my head in terms of keeping up with my uni work AND actual work, but aside from that things are fine.

Obviously I survived the gall bladder operation (remember that little event?) and aside from the 4 scars on my belly and my intimate relationship with the toilet now it's like it never happened.

This week I arrived at my March mini-goal early - I wanted to lose 26kg by the end of the month so that I could say I had lost 26kg in 52 weeks, since half a kg a week is supposed to be a healthy amount to lose. I think I have been watching too much of The Biggest Loser because I somehow managed to lose 3.2kg in one week which takes my total to 26.2kg lost so far. That's a fraction under 58 lb. I need to lose 2.8kg more to get to my WW goal, when I can collect my handy dandy celebratory keyring, and keep going for another 4kg to reach my actual goal. Scary stuff, accomplishing for the first time ever what one sets out to achieve.

Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes

2007-01-25T22:31:00.000+11:00

It's that special time of year when we celebrate the birth, some 23 years ago, of our Tranglin Man Anthony. It goes without saying that Anthony is one of the Top 2 Most Awesome People on Blogger.
I am the other one.
But let's focus on the birthday boy, and send celebratory hugs and love to our favourite checkered, sombrero wearing Jesus.

Short and sour

2007-01-18T20:11:00.000+11:00

In summary:

I will be having my gall bladder operation on January 31st.
I've now lost 22.2kg, which doesn't even seem possible.
I'm going to do a uni degree online, starting next month.

Thank you for your time.

Bring on the Aussie Open

2007-01-14T12:00:00.000+11:00

The tennis on Friday was every bit as horrendous as I thought it might be. I did manage to escape without sunburn by applying a new layer of sunscreen every 3 minutes, and I managed to sweat through not only my own clothes but the clothes of all those around me. I actually thought, while sitting in the direct noon sun that I would never, ever be a normal temperature again. We missed out on seeing James Blake play on Friday because whoever he was playing withdrew due to illness, so we watched some of a doubles match (I mean really, what's the point? Doubles isn't real tennis anyway... just like ladies tennis) and Moya vs. Gasquet.

I have a new reason to hate Carlos Moya, and it sounds a little bit like a Hollywood-style Columbian drug lord screaming "Caaarrrrlllllllllito!" approximately every 9 seconds. Why, why, why must his fans be so fucking annoying??

So last night I went back for the men's final and I have decided that I might be in love with James Blake. I do NOT love the annoying kids that sat behind me and talked incessantly for the whole 2 hours of the match, and alternated which player they were barracking for at least 800 times. Go Moya! Go Blake! Go Moya! Go Blake! Plus they were really stupid and ugly.

Tennis looks really stupid from this angle.

Tennistastic

2007-01-12T10:25:00.000+11:00

I'm lucky enough to have the day off work today because I have tickets to the Medibank International men's semi-finals. I bought the tickets months ago and have been really looking forward to going - every summer I go tennis-mad and glue myself to the TV for every match so this year I decided I would attend my first ever famous people tennis day.

Of course... it WOULD be the one and only 40 degree (C) day we've had all summer, wouldn't it? And the stadium doesn't have a roof, so I'll be sitting there for several hours in the sun, simultaneously burning AND melting AND wanting to die, while sipping on a $4 bottle of coke and eating a small tub of $18 chips.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the players that I wanted to watch were actually playing. Lleyton Hewitt? Injured. Rafael Nadal? Injured. Marcos Baghdatis? Loser. I have to settle for James Blake and a bunch of nobodies... and Mr. Has-Been, Carlos Moya. If only Roger Federer would play in Sydney instead of Melbourne for a change... it's enough to make a girl feel unwanted!

I'd like to fast forward to tomorrow night when I have the greatest tickets ever (5 rows back on court level on the side WITHOUT the umpire chair) to the men's final. Though, if James Blake doesn't win today I am going to have trouble remembering who any of the other players are well enough to cheer one of them on.

So if I'm just going to whinge about it why don't I just give it a miss and stay home? Because shut up, that's why.

You know what I hate?

2007-01-09T20:39:00.000+11:00

Patterned toilet paper. I don't know why, but I just can't stand the stuff.
I do not want my toilet paper to be decorated with any motif of flowers, seashells, abstract design or puppy dogs. I especially loathe the puppy dog toilet paper. I do not want toilet paper that is blue, pink, lavender or apricot in colour.
All I need is white cottonelle toilet paper - regular sized roll, unscented core, 2 ply is fine. I will choose to scrunch or fold at whim, because I'm unpredictable that way.

I just really felt like I had to get that off my chest tonight.

Crap

2007-01-06T20:09:00.000+11:00

I know I promised more posts, but I'm sick.
Oh so very sick.
Everything hurts.

Arghghsnswiurjclw.

Another post, already!

2007-01-03T22:51:00.000+11:00

So they just showed this thing on the news about how people serve themselves too much food and then end up eating it all. Apparently they told the test subjects they were trying out a new brand of pasta, and dished them up a normal sized serving, before coughing and sneezing all over it. They then had the test subjects re-serve themselves a fresh plate - but they gave them a BIGGER plate - and watched as every time the subject served themselves 25% more food than they should have. It reminded me of a similar story I saw years ago about how up to a certain age children don't feel the need to eat everything on their plate - they simply stop when they're not hungry anymore. And then our attitude begins to change and we feel like if it's there on the plate then we have to eat it... couple this with the giant serving sizes that are now everywhere and you stop wondering why obesity is such a problem. If only we, as a species, were slightly smarter we'd also be thinner.

If I see one more weight loss meal replacement dietary supplement milkshake advertised ANYWHERE, I will begin a homicidal rampage.

Today at work I took a service call request for a company in Bong Bong St, Bowral. Hehe.

2 days in and still going strong

2007-01-02T17:25:00.000+11:00

I've made it my mission to spend more time blogging this year, which means that if you're reading this it sux to be you.

I've seen 2 movies this week - I'll tell you my opinions on them and then you can repeat them to your friends as fact, and pretend that you've seen them.

The first one I saw was The Queen. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to see it, but figured there would be postmix Coke involved so I could put up with anything. This movie was actually really interesting and even at times funny. It was kind of jarring and very sad to see all the old Princess Di footage again, but I think they handled the actual crash in a very abstract way so it wasn't sensationalised. Is there nothing Helen Mirren CAN'T do? As for how accurate the whole film was, I couldn't say. It did seem to be pretty even-handed though I would say it did all lean a little towards a "Queen Liz is tops, deep down" sort of sentiment.

The second movie I watched was The Holiday and it was not good. I don't know why it never occured to me before what a horribly bad actress Cameron Diaz is! Someone obviously told her to just play this role as "neurotic" and she didn't try to read anything else into it. Plus, her character's backstory about her family was so effing pathetic I wanted to slap her hard, and not in a good way. Kate Winslet was lovely as always, Jack Black was what you would expect, and Jude Law actually put in a reasonable performance. Overall the movie was just boring and it seemed like whoever wrote it left it all to the night before it was due. A big wankfest, really.

And I'm spent.

What a difference a year makes

2006-12-31T13:13:00.000+11:00

So, it's the last day of 2006 and I've gotta say this was one hell of a year.

Alot can happen in a year. Now, while nothing truly earth-shattering happened in my life I can look back on 2006 and remember it as the year I got promoted, lost 20kg, became more comfortable with who I am, and learned that while I do have my faults like everyone else, I'm not really such a bad person. Most importantly I think I have learned not to compromise myself and my values to make other people happy.

If you're ever thinking that one year in the context of your whole life is not too long, remember that 12 months ago I looked like this:

I think immediately after this shot I ate the camera then went to McDonalds.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Fine thanks, and you?

2006-12-30T22:02:00.000+11:00

This is a blatant rip-off of something Brookelina did about 3 months ago. Enjoy.

Here's how it works...Put your iPod or whatever music player you have on shuffle. The first song that you hear will be the song for your Opening Scene. Skip to the next song, this is your next category. Keep doing this until the end.

Opening Scene: This Old Love - Lior
We'll grow old together,
And this love will never,
This old love will never die.

Wake Up Scene: Starlight - Muse
You electrify my life,
Let's conspire to reignite,
All the souls that would die just to feel alive.

Average Day: Anyone - The Feeling
But it wasn't you and it wasn't him,
It was me who fell like a fool right in.

1st Date: Seether - Veruca Salt
Oh, she may not look like other girls,
But she's a snarl-tooth seether.

Falling in Love: Never Be Lonely - The Feeling
People in love get scared and stupid,
People in love get everything wrong,
But at least they'll never be lonely.

Fight Scene: Electric Blue - Icehouse
Are you hiding somewhere behind those eyes?
I just freeze everytime you see through me,
And it's all over you - electric blue.

Break Up Scene: Same Old Stuff - The Feeling
I thought it was obvious,
My love we're made of the same old stuff.
It's not hard, just look at how close we are,
Instead of how far.

Back together: Tonight You Belong To Me - Nancy Sinatra
How sweet it will seem,
Once more just to dream in the moonlight,
My honey I know with the dawn that you will be gone.

Secret Love: Be My Baby - Travis
The night we met I knew I needed you so,
And if I had the chance I'd never let you go.
So won't you say you love me?

Life's OK: Light Surrounding You - Evermore
I want you to know that I see the light surrounding you,
So don't be afraid of something new.
'Cause I see the light surrounding you,
So don't be afraid of what you're turning into.

Mental Breakdown: Lovesong - Amiel
Thanks, you've been fuel for thought,
Now I'm more lonely than before
But that's OK, I've just ready made another fucking love song.

Driving: Move Along - The All-American Rejects
All the pain held in your hands
Are shaking cold,
Your hands are mine to hold.

Learning a Lesson: Daughters - John Mayer
You see that skin? It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away,
Now she's left to clean up the mess he made.

Deep Thought: Make Your Own Kind of Music - Mama Cass
You've gotta make your own kind of music,
Sing your own special song,
Make your own kind of music,
Even if nobody else sings along.

Flashback: You Give Me Something - James Morrison
You give me something that makes me scared, alright.
This could be nothing,
But I'm willing to give it a try.

Partying: If I Had a Tattoo - Tripod
If I had a tattoo, I would get one of you -
Or at least of a generic woman's body,
And draw your head on with a texta.

Happy Dance: The Goonies R Good Enough - Cyndi Lauper
Oh it's not real if you don't feel it,
Unspoken expectations, ideas you used to play with,
They're finally taking shape for us.

Regretting: Never Ever - All Saints
I'll keep searching deep within my soul,
For all the answers, don't wanna hurt no more.

Long Night Alone: Big Bang Baby - Stone Temple Pilots
Is this what life and love is all about?
I think I think so.

Death Scene: Mind's Eye - Wolfmother
I've been searching for a little more,
Though the days just slip away.

Closing Credits: Everybody's Changing - Keane
So little time, try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game,
I try to stay awake and remember my name,
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same.

So what?

2006-12-26T21:13:00.000+11:00

I'm going to say something here that will shock and dismay all of you.
I lost this CD for about 5 years or so, and today I just found it again.

And it makes me very happy. I don't care what you think.

Remember that time I adopted a sheep?

2006-12-21T16:54:00.000+11:00

What is truly sad about it is that she doesn't actually come to live with me, like orphans do in such films as Annie, and Anne of Green Gables. What happens instead is that my dear sheepy stays on the farm with her sheep friends and sheep family, but gets to eat food for a little bit longer. If adopting sheep is something that interests you, go here.

The most exciting thing that has happened to me this week is that I got a new mobile phone - Motorola KRZR. This little piece of my blue heaven arouses me more than the thought of showering with Johnny Depp.

I think I have finally finished all of my Christmas shopping - and even if I haven't I simply don't care. If I forgot to get anyone a gift they will just have to deal with it and hate me, because I'm not going back to the shops. Well, maybe to Big W but that's just because they have self-service checkouts and using them gives me a bit of a buzz.

My Life in Bullet Form

2006-12-14T20:53:00.000+11:00

I can't seem to put my doona away for the summer. The temperature fluctuates every day so that even though I'm using the air conditioner to get to sleep tonight, tomorrow night I'll be wrapped up in the doona again like an enchilada.
I have been watching Friends on DVD - we now have all 10 seasons - and I've decided that the funniest one they ever made was "The One Where Everybody Finds Out". Find it. Watch it. Love it.
I finally started my Christmas shopping! I'm a bit bored with it now though.
I'm alarmed that time seems to be moving very quickly and very slowly at the same time.
I have the best eyebrows ever at the moment. I live in fear of the beautician deforming me with strange eyebrows, but by some fluke they are almost the exact colour of my hair (yes, I have to get them tinted, alright?!) and perfectly shaped. I should buy the beautician something for Christmas.
Why must it be 27 degrees at 9pm? That's clearly daytime weather. You're dreaming of gorgonzola cheese, when it's clearly brie time, baby. Step into my office!
Sometimes I get the urge to slap other people's children. Usually while shopping. Can I?
I'm kind of addicted to this dumb game.
It's really hard to get motivated to straighten your hair with a flat iron that is about 8000 degrees in this weather. My motivation not to look like an electrocuted poodle is quite high though, so it all balances out.
Wow, this was exactly as boring as I hoped it wouldn't be.
I'm too hot for this shit!

I'll explain it with pictures

2006-12-08T20:37:00.000+11:00

Fill my little world right up, right up

2006-12-07T20:44:00.000+11:00

Australia Post is holding my Arrested Development Season 3 hostage. If the dumb as shit postman is too dumb as shit to leave my parcel at the post office, why must he tease me by leaving one of those "please pick up your parcel from the post office" slips in my mailbox? Thank god it wasn't a kidney I was waiting on or I would not be here right now writing this titillating post for you. I've used the word "post" 5 times already. Now it's six.

I've gone totally insane with food this week, and true to form everytime I cut loose and eat junk and crap I have a gallstone attack - approximately a 19.4 out of 10 on the pain scale. You'd think that alone would encourage me to behave, but I am feeling completely out of control at the moment so I would have to say that strategy is not working. Have to go back to being a saint tomorrow, I guess. I'm too scared to go back to Weight Watchers this week, but there's no hiding from it next week.

It's really difficult to get motivated enough to do anything laborious at this time of year. I think today I did about 4 minutes of actual work, 2 hours of birthday cake preparations, 1 hour of personal call time, 87 minutes of staring at my desk and/or a piece of paper, and the balance of the time on personal emails. But you'd better believe I'll be expecting a pay increase in the new year, even if it's only for my talent at making all of that seem like a stressful, busy day.

Why is the rum always gone?

2006-12-04T20:37:00.000+11:00

I don't know why this amuses me so...

But it does.

Attempted Murder

2006-12-03T19:08:00.000+11:00

Last night a bottle of vodka tried to kill me.
I hope to win the war, but at the moment I am focussing on winning one battle at a time. For example, I have not vomited - victory is mine! I fell asleep on the couch, fully clothed, on top of my pyjamas and hugging a blanket I had not yet unfolded - victory is vodka's. Besides the fact that my head is in the process of cracking into 5 pieces I seem to be doing OK now, and I am absolutely never drinking again until next weekend at my sister's 30th birthday party.

Loz + Air Conditioner = BFF

2006-11-28T22:44:00.000+11:00

It looks as though my dearly adored and worshipped hairdresser has left town without a forwarding address. Finally, after 25 years of bad haircuts I stumble across a man who is clearly a genius with the scissors, and I think my life is complete. Then one day I walk past the salon to find it has turned quite suddenly into a Dick Smith Electronics... which is really a shame because I need a haircut very, very badly and I don't need anything from Dick Smiths. I have decided that the new 'do shall be just like Nic's (Kidman, not Cage).

It's beginning to feel alot like Christmas, in that it's 40 degrees out and the neighbours have had their fairy light paradii in full swing for about 3 weeks already. Actually today was so hot that when I walked the 300 or so metres to the cafe for lunch my feet got sunburnt and I nearly vomited twice. I'm delicate.

I was bored so I took a quiz -

Which Nigerian spammer are You?

If anyone knows how to fix my lappy keyboard so it stops making my cursor jump randomly over the page as I type so that it's more gibberish than usual, please speak up now.

I just freeze everytime you see through me

2006-11-26T21:17:00.000+11:00

No, really I'm feeling much better today. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
We will now resume normal programming.

There is a new TV show called "You Got The Job!" - I haven't watched it but the basic premise seems to be that it's a reality TV fly-on-the-wall look at a bunch of people applying for jobs. I wish I was shitting you about this... apparently that's the standard we deserve as the viewing public. Or is it that the level of acting ability in this country is so low that we have to resort to this crap?

But aside from that one little thing, things are not too bad.

What goes up must come down

2006-11-25T21:06:00.000+11:00

I figured that all of my positive feelings lately would have some sort of backlash effect, and here it is.

I seem to be disappointing alot of people at the moment. I don't really think that I've pretended to be anyone that I'm not, maybe it's that they've chosen to see me a certain way and when they realise that's not the case they're getting pissed off. At any rate I am constantly feeling that my own feelings don't matter, as long as I put on a happy smile and get excited about something mundane or horrifying to me and everyone else is pleased, then things are OK.

I wish I could say "Here's the thing: I'm not OK all of the time, so don't lay a guilt trip and make out like I owe it to you to be fine. Maybe next time you could try to help instead of making it worse on purpose, or else stay completely away if you don't think you should have to help me."

The truth is that alot of the time I AM fine, but like most people there are times when I feel completely empty, and I have no idea what the point of anything is. There's a fair number of people in my life who don't understand that... so maybe I am the problem afterall.

I wish that my world was softer and I want a helicopter

2006-11-23T20:41:00.000+11:00

Well yesterday was a bit momentous for me in that according to Weight Watchers I've officially lost 20.2kg (or 44lb for the disadvantaged). Sometimes when I'm living weigh-in to weigh-in and meal to meal I lose focus on the bigger picture and I was kind of stunned to see the numbers written in my book. I never imagined when I started this whole thing that I could lose that much weight, even though I set my goal as losing 33kg I could never visualise it happening. Well, now I can.

I've revised my opinion on my The Feeling CD - the greatest song that has ever been recorded is Helicopter. It's possible that's a slight exaggeration, but I can't help but love a song with the line "I'd feel much better I'm sure, if I had a helicopter". I just can't get enough of how these guys put their songs together... it's crazy.

Tomorrow I get to go shopping instead of going to work. How do you like them apples?

You deserve to get your wish but you don't know what it is

2006-11-21T21:29:00.000+11:00

I have fallen in love with The Feeling. I bought the album on the basis of Never Be Lonely and it's many addictive qualities, but soon discovered I owned one hell of a CD. It's quirky, it's poppy, it's boppy, it's moody, it's taken up permanent residence in my car. If you do choose to take my advice I also recommend the songs I Want You Now and Fill My Little World.

And that's really all I have to report.

So, you like..... stuff?

2006-11-13T17:52:00.000+11:00

I found out a few days ago that I have a gallstone, and as such before too long I will be without my gall bladder. I haven't thought about it in too much detail at this stage so I'm not worried, but you just wait until the reality of my impending surgery sinks in! I haven't been any further than the emergency department since I was 4, and it's not really something I had on my 'to-do' list, if you know what I mean. At the moment my greatest concern is having to use a bedpan, but I think the whole "having part of myself removed" thing will take over soon.

Still, all of this pales dismally in comparison to the death of Belinda Emmett. It hasn't been a good year for Australian celebs, and she really was a beautiful, brave and inspirational lady.

This ad is not funny or thought-provoking or anything like that, but I find it soothing. Ah, the serenity.

Good News!

2006-11-07T19:09:00.000+11:00

I just perfected my Katie Holmes pose! Don't say I never give you anything.

My new favourite thing...

2006-11-05T22:13:00.000+11:00

... is Vimrod.

Corny but true

2006-11-04T13:20:00.000+11:00

It makes me sad that 2006 is nearing its end. I need to make the most of the remaining precious few weeks because this year has been very good to me, and there's no guarantee 2007 will be quite so generous.
I think I will remember 2006 as the year I realised that life is not, in fact, all that difficult. At the risk of sounding like Roberto Benigni, it's possible that life could even be... beautiful?

Warning: this post may induce nausea and homicidal urges

2006-11-03T20:09:00.000+11:00

I have resisted posting about this because it seems like such an obvious blog topic, but fuck it, I am angry and I feel like expressing it.

The leader of the Muslims in Australia is a real shitferbrains by the name of Sheik something something al-Hilaly. If I cared what his name was I might be bothered typing it. Anyway, he is the Mufti.

So this stupid Muftiman gives a speech/sermon type dealy at the end of Ramadan, some excerpts of which are below. The mention of men getting 65 years in prison is in reference to the sentences that were handed down to the Islamic ringleaders of some really horrifying gang rape attacks on young girls in Sydney.

But when it comes to adultery, it's 90 per cent the women's responsibility. Why? Because a woman possesses the weapon of seduction. It is she who takes off her clothes, shortens them, flirts, puts on make-up and powder and takes to the streets, God protect us, dallying. It's she who shortens, raises and lowers. Then it's a look, then a smile, then a conversation, a greeting, then a conversation, then a date, then a meeting, then a crime, then Long Bay jail. (laughs).

Then you get a judge, who has no mercy, and he gives you 65 years.

But when it comes to this disaster, who started it? In his literature, scholar al-Rafihi says: 'If I came across a rape crime – kidnap and violation of honour – I would discipline the man and order that the woman be arrested and jailed for life.' Why would you do this, Rafihi? He says because if she had not left the meat uncovered, the cat wouldn't have snatched it."

"If you take a kilo of meat, and you don't put it in the fridge or in the pot or in the kitchen but you leave it on a plate in the backyard, and then you have a fight with the neighbour because his cats eat the meat, you're crazy. Isn't this true?

"If you take uncovered meat and put it on the street, on the pavement, in a garden, in a park or in the backyard, without a cover and the cats eat it, is it the fault of the cat or the uncovered meat? The uncovered meat is the problem.

"If the meat was covered, the cats wouldn't roam around it. If the meat is inside the fridge, they won't get it.

"If the meat was in the fridge and it (the cat) smelled it, it can bang its head as much as it wants, but it's no use.

"If the woman is in her boudoir, in her house and if she's wearing the veil and if she shows modesty, disasters don't happen.

"That's why he said she owns the weapon of seduction.

"Satan sees women as half his soldiers. You're my messenger to achieve my needs. Satan tells women you're my weapon to bring down any stubborn man. There are men that I fail with. But you're the best of my weapons.

"The woman was behind Satan playing a role when she disobeyed God and went out all dolled up and unveiled and made of herself palatable food that rakes and perverts would race for. She was the reason behind this sin taking place."

So... to recap:

A woman who is raped should be jailed for life because it's her own fault for being attractive, and she shouldn't have left her room in the first place.
A man does not have to take responsibility for his own actions and lack of morals, self-control and basic human decency - clearly the woman is to blame because she is the best of the devil's weapons.
If you see something you want, just take it. Whether it be a kilo of meat on a plate in a park (?) or a person, feel free to take and/or use it at your will. You're entitled.

And what is happening now? The Mufti has said that he would like to be tried by a court of ethics, and if it is found that what he said was unethical, he will resign from his post, wear masking tape over his mouth in public for 6 months and do 600 hours of community service helping women.
Message to Sheik al-Hilaly: Firstly, put the damn tape on now you stupid ridiculous tool, and secondly, no woman in the world wants YOU anywhere near her. Heaven forbid you should have to help a woman in a skirt with no hijab. You might accidentally have a conversation with her, and we all know a conversation is a direct invitation for sex. 'No' is the new 'yes', right?

ARIA Awards - grainy photos a-go-go!

2006-10-29T23:58:00.000+11:00

Last night I went to the ARIA Awards. I saw them and they were good.

Opening the show was Eskimo Joe (favourites of mine):
How damn cute is Stu????
We also saw Wolfmother (incredibly awesome):

Pete Murray performed with John Mayer (THE John Mayer), and silverchair did a tribute performance to Midnight Oil. I don't even have words to describe how good all of the songs were - even people I can't stand to listen to (like Hilltop Hoods) seemed good. The Veronicas proved to everyone that they really can sing - despite things I have said about them in the past I would now not hesitate to spend cold hard cash on seeing them in concert. Youthgroup, Human Nature and Bernard Fanning all bored me to tears, but you can't win 'em all.

Afterall, I saw Eskimo Joe, Wolfmother and the almighty silverchair rock out all in the one place. If I died tonight it would be as a happy woman.

Funny

2006-10-16T20:21:00.000+10:00

If you wait longer than 1 minute for the punchline.

Lisa Mitchell is the devil

2006-10-09T19:52:00.000+10:00

Sure, that seems like a bold statement, but I present the following as evidence:

She's a shiny young reminder of why reality TV is what they watch in hell.

When all you've gotta keep is strong...

2006-10-06T17:54:00.000+10:00

It's been a long week - I didn't get the holiday Monday off work so while everyone has worked 4 days I have worked 5, and it feels like 12. This really isn't so bad except that I have made no progress in getting up to date and I think setting fire to my desk is the only way to conquer Paper Mountain.

The last few weeks I have been getting out on those crazy power walks everyday, and the scales were my friends for a brief period, and I felt pretty ace in general and nothing like the crabby bitch I usually am. This week I am out injured and have lost all motivation for doing the damn walks anyhow, and the anti-inflammatory tablets I'm on make me 5 kinds of sleepy.

Why is it that no matter how much weight I lose I still feel like a fat old woman?
Why are there some people who always get everything they want even when they don't deserve it?
Do I deserve the things I want?
Feel free to answer these questions in essay form.

How to save a life

2006-10-02T17:53:00.000+10:00

I've learnt some very valuable lessons from the news the last few days...

When travelling to Australia fom Asia, don't give the impression that you have bird flu if you have condoms full of heroin inside your person. They will take you to hospital, and you will be in trouble. They will not kill you, however, as they're not Thai and/or evil.
Three kilos of ecstasy is alot of ecstasy, I believe. If you happen to be carrying it around with you in the car it's probably a good idea to stick to the speed limit and not attract the attention of police by driving 20kms over it.
Never be George Michael.
If a news story seems to have something to do with the British royal family, for the love of god and all that is holy, DON'T CLICK ON IT.

Grand Final 2006

2006-09-30T14:46:00.000+10:00

OK so it's 7 minutes into the 1st quarter and it looks like the Swans have forgotten to take to the field. Where are they? Maybe getting Maccas for lunch??

Hang on... I see one of our players now! He just fumbled the ball in the goal square and let some poofy West Coast player tap it through for 6 points. Fuck.
------
Q1 - 15 minutes in:
It seems like the Swannies have BBQ sauce or some other form of condiment all over their hands. That ball sure is slippery. We've been given 2 free kicks inside our 50 - the umpires obviously want to give us a fighting chance - but haven't been able to score more than 1 point. Oh thank christ - we just got our first goal. 19-8 West Coast.
------
Quarter Time:
How many bloody easy shots at goal can we miss?! Aim for the big sticks, boys, not the little ones! I'm not worried, I know my Swannies can do this, I'm just wondering when exactly they're going to start playing. 26-10 West Coast.
------
Half Time:
This is 12 kinds of bad. But they'll be OK. They just need to remember their team mates are wearing red and white - never, ever pass the ball to someone wearing blue and yellow. I know Roosy will know what to tell them at the half time break... "Play some decent footy or I'll fucking mail you back to Sydney in a thermos" might work? 55-30 West Coast.
------
Three Quarter Time:
This game is giving me chest pains. We seem to have sparked up since the half time break though, my boys are actually pulling some magical plays out of nowhere. There's something about watching the Swans play that makes me want to attack their opponents and perforate their faces with a seriously spikey pair of footy boots. Grr. 70-59 West Coast.
------
Full Time:
It's not losing the Grand Final that sucks so bad, it's losing it by 1 point. I could just murder someone... and I think I'd like it to be Ted-fucking-Richards. See if you can learn to play the game before next season dude. 85-84 West Coast.

Getchoo, ahuh

2006-09-26T19:41:00.000+10:00

So everyone knows how much stupidity in advertising pisses me off... it is no surprise then that I loathe the new ad for Philadelphia cream cheese. It features the normal angels in heaven they use in all their ads (which in itself is just fucking dumb) saying these exact words:

"And you don't have to put your knees behind your ears to enjoy it!" *

Nick tried to yoink this one from me, so I should post it immediately to avoid that happening. I bring you the genius that is Toothpaste for Dinner:

* They were comparing the cheese to yoga.

Lighthearted Eskimo Joe lyrics here.

2006-09-22T23:16:00.000+10:00

I'm not really, I've just been listening to alot of Eskimo Joe. Coincidentally Eskimo Joe have just been confirmed as one of the performers at this year's ARIA Awards (read: Grammys, but lamer) which is awesome because I have tickets to go (read: I am lame) and I haven't seen Eskimo Joe perform since they were punk teenagers at Homebake in 1999. They've also confirmed The Veronicas (meh), Keith Urban (that's more like it) and Wolfmother (fuckin' A!).

Tonight my beloved Sydney Swans beat some bunch of losers to make it into the AFL Grand Final for the 2nd year in a row. If West Coast win their match tomorrow then next week will be a replay of last year's Grand Final - hopefully to the extent that we can kick their arse AGAIN.

I had the somewhat ingenius idea the other night of buying tickets to the tennis this summer - the only event we get in Sydney is the Medibank International so I didn't have many choices but by the luck of fantastic timing I managed to get some tickets that are a MERE 5 ROWS FROM THE COURT for the Men's Final. The bad news is that Roger Federer (read: my one true love) hasn't played in that competition for many a year and usually plays the Kooyong Classic then goes straight on to the Aussie Open. The good news is that I live in hope that he will decide to play just this once and make my life complete.

Lesbian Pizza

2006-09-21T20:16:00.000+10:00

I don't understand how marketing works sometimes.

Apparently this pizza makes you a lesbian. Watch the ad, if you have some brain cells to sacrifice.

My Heath Ledger boycott continues...

2006-09-19T20:31:00.000+10:00

It's a shame I can't find the post where I trashed Heath Ledger, because I trashed him good. And the arseface has gone and done it again - think BEFORE you speak, you stupid numbnutted twat.

"It is his decision to play The Joker in the new Batman film The Dark Knight that has caused much interest in the industry. He says that ordinarily doing something like that would not be of interest to him. "I actually hate comic book movies, like fucking hate them, they just bore me shitless and they're just dumb."

He then went on to say something about how Chris Nolan did a really good job with Batman Begins, but I didn't feel it served my purpose to quote it here. Hey, at least I'm honest.

I need to think of something else to eat

2006-09-17T15:10:00.001+10:00

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

2006-09-15T17:16:00.000+10:00

My holiday was lovely, too lovely to come home from in fact. But the real world can't be ignored, and trust me I've tried. I can't think of a single exciting thing I did on my holiday, at one point I was even helping my aunty to wash her balcony windows, but the loveliest part was that it WASN'T exciting. No one wanted anything from me except my mad squigee skillz. Here's how it went:

Saturday: Rain.
Sunday: Rain
Monday: Rain
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: Mental breakdown, no rain.
Thursday: Sunshine.
Friday: Sunshine. Time to leave.

Why the mental breakdown? Because I could not find the Weight Watchers meeting that was meant to be on, so I did not know what I weighed. I never, ever would have thought an inability to find a Weight Watchers meeting would cause me to throw a hissy fit, but it did. I just kind of flipped out for a bit, such is my mental dependence on a few numbers on a scale. I know, it's sick.

I'll get back to you shortly

2006-09-08T22:51:00.000+10:00

This week has been a long and trying one, for many reasons. I feel tired, and sad, and worn out. It's just that time of year for it, I think. It's like drifting in the middle of nowhere, far enough away from Christmas that you don't remember when you last had time off work, and with enough room between you and a public holiday to swing 5 cats. I've also had enough of the sudden deaths of high profile Aussies (today it was Peter Brock). If these things really DO happen in 3's, I wonder what will happen by Sunday? (Mel and Kochie, I'm looking at you...)

So on that note, I just happen to be off on a short holiday by the beach. Here's to rejuvenation and lots of sleeping and alcohol!

In all seriousness...

2006-09-06T17:34:00.000+10:00

Given that maybe, I don't know... 4? people actually still read this, I'm pretty sure I can say what I like without causing much trouble.
Maybe to the rest of the world Steve Irwin was just that dumb, funny, outrageous Crocodile Hunter that they could have a laugh at. "Crikey!" Yeah, he gave that impression. That over-the-top personality is what got him so much attention, that enabled him to make so much money to put into wildlife and habitat conservation. He wasn't a rich man, he wasn't living up this big fancy life and laughing all the way to the bank, he was doing everything he could to preserve that which he was passionate about. To Australia he was a national icon, a part of our identity and a great example of what being an Aussie means. He was just THERE, and he was comforting and familiar and normal. He was generous and funny and devoted to his love of animals and more than anything to his family. When he died it was in an accident - he did not take his life into his own hands, nor was he careless, and he did not deserve for it to happen. The stingray, while lethal, is not known as a predatory killer, and fatalities from its sting are extremely rare to say the least.
I've seen things written around the place that obviously show some people do not take his death seriously. Given that I'm not a relative of Steve's, or a personal friend or spokesperson this shouldn't affect me too much. It's not my job to defend him or his family, or to get upset by the remarks, but I do because it matters to me, and to alot of Aussies.

When Germaine Greer dies, I'm the first in line to speak badly of her in the papers. What a stupid bitch.

Really sad

2006-09-04T17:51:00.000+10:00

I've linked the picture to the story on news.com.au for those who haven't heard. It's one of those things that doesn't seem real, and although it was so easy to make fun of the Crocodile Hunter, he did amazing things for this country and appeared to be a genuinely decent person. I hate it when losing a celebrity feels like losing someone you actually knew.

Look who's perfect now

2006-08-22T23:21:00.000+10:00

Props are in order - my hot new template comes to you courtesy of LMK's giant brain.
Thank you Knitty Kitty, for catering to my every whim and making my corner of blogland so beautiful. I just have to say:

ROCK.

We're making progress

2006-08-20T19:42:00.000+10:00

Dear Mean Guy,

I still don't have the nerve to tell you these things.

Once again:
You've made it harder for me to believe anyone who wants to spend any time with me, and not suspect their motives.
You've made it more difficult for me to see myself realistically, without seeing the disgusting fat mess that you seem to think I am.
You've made it less easy for me to think that anyone has a genuine interest in knowing me in any capacity.
You've made it harder for me to look at the progress I have made, physically and emotionally, and be proud of myself.

But for once, you haven't made these things impossible. I think I'm getting smarter.

Maybe they've reversed the order of the news to make it more exciting the longer you watch...

2006-08-16T21:13:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I just don't understand why things happen the way they do. Like tonight, for instance, the 6 o'clock news started, and a grave faced man reported the very serious news of the day in the tone of voice that you might expect is reserved for train wrecks and terrorist attacks. The top story of the day? I don't know, something about football.

Why is a football story the most important news they could find in the previous 24 hours? Ubie has been discussing a very similar point at her blog (and apparently upsetting the locals) - who prioritises this stuff? Other things DID happen today - corrupt politicians (allegedly), the discovery of a 25 million year old shark/dinosaur/whale hybrid off our coast, people getting mugged and bashed, a man who got his teeth knocked out for having the audacity to cross the road too slowly - even some playwright I've never heard of died. Why is football more important than these things? And it's not even a good football story - Golden Boy Andrew Johns swears at a referee and could miss the rest of the season as punishment. Who cares?

And more importantly, why did someone ask the Prime Minister about it, and broadcast his lame-arse reply as though it were news? You could see it in his eyes, he was thinking "Do these people know who I am? Why are they asking me about football? I want to talk about cricket. I love you Warney!"

This fixed everything that was wrong with my day

2006-08-11T22:00:00.000+10:00

It's all about me, again.

2006-08-08T20:47:00.000+10:00

I just read in the census booklet that in 2001 there were 350,000 more single females aged 18 and over than males aged 18 and over. How is that fair? Like I didn't have enough to contend with already!

I'm looking in the mirror these days and not enjoying the view. Instead of seeing me minus 13kg, what I see is someone who has gained about 100kg - I think even my head got wider. Am I taking the train to Crazytown or what? Is it some weird mood that will pass, or am I always going to feel fatter than ever regardless of how much I lose? Or can I only be happy about a certain number of things at a time? Now that work is going great, do I need to find something else to whinge about? (Regular readers will know that's not a problem for me...). I was sick last week with the flu or some such crap, and spent a lot of time sleeping and unable to eat... in a surprising throwback to the good old days I started to see this sort of behaviour as a viable lifestyle choice and ingenius way to lose weight. I AM going to Crazytown, with bags of guilt and secrets to take with me.

Sometimes I just feel so unplugged.

Bring back Charles In Charge

2006-08-06T19:45:00.000+10:00

I've had it with reality TV - sure I used to quite like it, I'd get sucked into the little dramas and "storylines" and yes, I have voted on more than one occasion. But I am having the "Loser" tattoo removed from my forehead as we speak.

Big Brother 06 has just finished last week, and I did start watching it half-heartedly in the beginning, but by the end of the 11,000,027 days they spent in the house I was ready to murder the person who thought of it. Seriously, does someone have a name, or an address for this guy?

I have declared a boycott on Big Brother, Australian Idol, Survivor, Australia's Brainiest 'anything', Torvill & Dean's skating crap, It Takes Two, Dancing With the Stars, Celebrity Overhaul, Australian Princess, X Factor, Shopping For Love, Honey We're Killing the Kids, and anything that involves finding one's true love on telly. The only thing that I MIGHT watch in future is The Biggest Loser, and that's because I think it's the only show out there that keeps exploitation to a minimum (most of the time), teaches people valuable lessons - and more importantly inspires the viewing public to improve their health.

Sometimes though, people surprise me. For weeks and weeks we were bombarded with these stupid ads telling us "Rene's Getting Married!" - 'who is Rene?' we were supposed to ask in wonderment and befuddlement. Don't tease us, Channel 10, I MUST know immediately who this person is and why I care about them! Then one day the ads changed - suddenly Yasmin was getting married, and we still didn't know who Rene was. Weeks of "teasers" continued mercilessly, dangling this obviously sterling piece of programming before us like a carrot to a donkey until finally....... the show arrived. Apparently the "show" was going to be 9 weeks of real-time matchmaking for this chick Yasmin, and the audience can vote for who she should date and blah blah blah, at the end she marries a stranger. Enthralling, right? Finally the good people of Australia grew a brain and did not tune in, and now 1 week into her "search for love", Yasmin has been ditched by Channel 10 and I guess she won't be getting married afterall. JUST LIKE THE REST OF US, HONEY.

The Guilt Hammer

2006-08-02T21:01:00.000+10:00

Obviously I am out of ideas and have nothing of value to post. Oh, it's sweet of you to try to look surprised but really I can't see your faces from here so there's no need to be polite about it.

My Aliases

Your movie star name: Taco Shells Harry

Your fashion designer name is Lauren London

Your socialite name is Lozza Paris

Your fly girl name is L Sco

Your detective name is Dog Birrong

Your barfly name is Chips Tequila

Your soap opera name is Victoria Dobell

Your rock star name is Chocolate Eclair Time

Your Star Wars name is Laurom Sconic

Your punk rock band name is The Guilt Hammer

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Maybe I'll be back with more mediocrity later.

This is shit

2006-07-30T14:28:00.000+10:00

Census night is coming up again next week - I've always liked census night because it feels like someone, somewhere would like to know who I am, and that's refreshing.

In 2001 I completed the optional question on my religion with the answer "Jedi". I have no intention of answering the question truthfully, so I'm hoping that one of the handful of people who still read this can think up a new entertaining response for me.

The other optional question is whether or not you consent to having all of your census information stored on microfilm and locked up in a time capsule for 99 years. Hell yes. At the rate my life is going there isn't going to be any other reason why someone should know my name in 99 years. I'm quite looking forward to a bunch of future-people in shiny silver jumpsuits reading about me from the sacred historical documents, before jumping into their hover cars and wooshing off into space.

New Toy: Unconscious Mutterings

2006-07-26T20:37:00.000+10:00

Requirements :: Needs
Pizza :: Fat
Dating :: Alone
Issue :: Magazine
Sharp :: Tongue
Distinguish :: Extinguish
Remote :: Control
Felony :: Melanie
Exercise :: No
Choose :: Me, Please

Chareth Cutestory: Pirate Lawyer

2006-07-23T17:08:00.000+10:00

Yeah, guess what I've been watching. And now all of you will have the name Chareth Cutestory stuck in your head for days, and days, and days. Maybe forever.

You might remember that back in March I set myself the goal of kissing someone (aka having a pash) before Christmas. That might sound simple enough but at the time I was very overweight, with little to no self esteem and never went out to meet people because I didn't think I belonged out in public with the attractive people. Today I am still somewhat overweight (though less so than when I set myself the goal), have a little self esteem back, and figure I belong anywhere I damn well please. Long story short, I have achieved that goal, with time to spare. In fact, I have so much time left til my deadline that next time I might try to get an enjoyable pash, just to mix it up a little.

This weekend I saw 2 movies: the dumbest movie ever made (My Super Ex-Girlfriend) and one of the best (Pirates of the Caribbean 2). I thought Pirates was a little long (because I was desperately needing to go to the loo) and really, REALLY gross, but it was so awesome in every other way that it didn't matter. I can't wait for Pirates 3.

Remember: Chareth Cutestory.

I've been wondering...

2006-07-19T19:52:00.000+10:00

Make it stop, for the love of god, make it stop!

2006-07-15T17:54:00.000+10:00

I'm not one of those movie-snob types, I'll watch almost anything from the smallest indie film to the biggest blockbuster, but I know when something is crap and I'll say so. I don't pretend to like stupid indie films just because they're independent, I don't pretend to like blockbusters just because everyone else does, I just like what I like. Truth be told, some people think I have bad taste in movies (whatever, Anchorman was funny). So we have it pretty clear now, I AM NOT AN ELITIST MOVIE SNOB, but I have to get something off my chest...

WHO THE FUCK PAYS THOSE WAYANS MAKE THIS SHIT? WHY? AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHO WATCHES IT???

30% hotter than before

2006-07-05T19:08:00.000+10:00

10kg gone forever. 10 whole kilos. That's 22 pounds, people!
Obviously the extremely funny t-shirt above has nothing to do with anything, but it's still funny.

C'mon Get Happy

2006-06-28T23:18:00.000+10:00

Lately my moods have been like one of those pirate ships at a theme park - the ones that flip entirely right over. Today is a good day, so I'm going to list the things (the ones I can think of now at least) that make me happy, for future reference.

Scrubs

Hash browns

Michael J. Fox

The Socceroos

Weezer

Jason Bateman

Losing weight

My promotion

Coke Zero

Clean sheets / clean skin / clean pyjamas combo

The Simpsons

Johnny Depp

Conversations with my 3 year old nephew

When the person on Deal or No Deal only wins 50c

Kallun

Friends who tell me they belong on this list

Judging people with Tanya

Clothes that never need to be ironed

Margaret Atwood

Eskimo Joe

The ANZ ad with 'The Falcon'

The "Skeet Ulrich Ruined My Life" support group

My ultimate man: Roger Federer

I don't know

2006-06-24T23:16:00.000+10:00

I should be feeling good... but I'm not.

Is It Safe?

2006-06-19T13:32:00.000+10:00

I've been terrified of having my wisdom teeth removed for most of my life. It all started when I was visiting someone in hospital and sharing the room with them was a young girl who had her head wrapped up in bandages and was vomiting blood. "What the hell?" "Oh, she's just had her wisdom teeth out." Great, I can't wait.

Then some years ago my dentist told me my wisdom teeth probably would not fit into my jaw and I may need to have them removed before they come through. Over my dead body. I'm not going to be one of those people waking up in the dentist's office with a bruise on my chest where they had to kneel on me to get leverage. No fucking way.

This past week I have been in alot of pain, it feels like a wisdom tooth is trying to make its way to the surface and in the process rearrange my facial bones. Everything hurts - my head, my face, my neck, my jaw, my gums. It was time to just bite the bullet and see a dentist about it. I went this morning, and he did some x-rays on my mouth to see what was happening.

I don't even HAVE wisdom teeth.

Best.
News.
Ever.

So Angry I Can't See Straight

2006-06-14T20:04:00.000+10:00

I HATE my job.
Yesterday I was treated like shit and yelled at by a customer who had no reason to be angry, and then she hung up on me while I was talking. I've never experienced real rage before, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason my vision blurred and I could feel things moving in my head. It's not that one particular rude friggen bitch that made me so angry, it's being treated like garbage constantly, it's about a total lack of motivation and happiness at work... it's knowing that my hatred of my job is infecting the rest of my life.

I will get out, but I'm not silly enough to leave with no money or somewhere else to go. I have a plan, and I'm working on it everyday. It does not involve fire.

C'mon Aussie, C'mon C'mon

2006-06-12T12:27:00.000+10:00

Tonight our Socceroos play their first game in the World Cup '06... the whole country has gone soccer mad because it's the first time in 32 years that we've qualified to play.

Don't get excited, we've never won a World Cup match.

We've never even scored a World Cup goal.

And we just benched Harry Kewell.

Soccer is not our strong suit - even so, I'm quietly confident we can whip Japan tonight. Please cross your fingers for us.

Tool

2006-06-11T20:58:00.000+10:00

I always knew there was something about Morris Iemma I didn't like - ever since he took over as Premier of New South Wales from crowd favourite Bob Carr, there's been something a bit off about him. Maybe it's the vacant, glassy stare he plasters on for every press conference. Maybe it's that he has the personality of a dry sponge. Maybe it's that when he got the job of Premier everyone in his electorate said "Morris who? Never heard of him."

But now I have an exact reason - he's a fuckwit. Let me set this up; Iemma's electorate is Punchbowl, which isn't a very rich area. Vaucluse is a much wealthier part of town, and far enough north for the people there to look down on those in Punchbowl. At a recent Labor party dinner he remarked that the comedian who introduced him was "the first person to move from Punchbowl to Vaucluse without a balaclava". Sure, it's a bit funny but why is he shitting all over the people in his own electorate?

Afterwards, when he was asked why he would make such a stupid comment, he said that it was a joke and everyone should lighten up. "No one at the function was upset"... no, you're right. They weren't upset because it was a $500 a head dinner, and no one from Punchbowl could afford to go. My my, isn't it maaaaarvellous to be so very rich, Morris?

New Toys

2006-06-05T21:35:00.000+10:00

I've come out of the dark ages at last - I have a new computer!! Though it DOES seem stupid to have spent so much money simply so I could buy and use a $100 mp3 player, I'm happy. I've gone a little download crazy with the music though, I LOVE being able to find all these songs I've wanted to have a copy of for years... only I was too tight to buy a $30 CD for one song. My favourite purchases so far are 'From the Sea' by Eskimo Joe, 'Pink Triangle' by Weezer and 'Counting the Beat' by The Swingers. I just had a great idea about reliving my childhood with some New Kids on the Block tracks, but I'm still hesitant to spend cash money on such a thing. Well maybe just one... shut up. I tried to get some Iron Butterfly for my mum to use as a ringtone on her phone but the songs I've downloaded are all in .wma format not mp3 and I don't know how to work that all out. Any clues?

So now that I have my ghd hair straightener, new laptop and pink mp3 player my life is officially complete. What, like that makes me shallow?

Life Defining Mistake #1

2006-06-03T18:23:00.000+10:00

I heard this week that my 'ex-boyfriend' got married. I write that term as I'm making air fingers to emphasise exactly how loose that term becomes once someone reveals themselves to be a goddamn manipulative, cheating, selfish, duplicitous, delusional waste of space who put you through hell for what wasn't even a real relationship afterall. So it's pretty clear I don't have any lingering romantic feelings for Smug Cheating Bastard (SCB), and I'm in full understanding of what an evil person he is, but the news that he actually got married still makes me feel really... mad? Bad? Sad? 'Nauseous' is the word I'm looking for.

The trouble was that when I met SCB I had no self-esteem (still a problem) and was so amazed that anyone had taken an interest in me that I shut everything else out and jumped head first into a huge mistake. Looking back I don't know whatever possessed me to think that a short, sleazy, greying man 10 years older than me would be a good boyfriend, particularly given that we also worked together, which is seldom anything but a fast track to disaster.

I wonder sometimes about things I could have done differently in my life that might have protected me from falling into a trap set by someone like SCB. I went to an all girls high school, had ugly freckles and frizzy, nasty hair. I didn't go to any parties until my last year at school because the group I was in didn't have any parties to go to, which meant that I didn't meet many guys at all, not that I would have been able to speak to one if I met him. My self-esteem was so bad that when my sister bought me some makeup for my birthday one year I couldn't bring myself to start wearing it for fear that people would look at me and think it was ridiculous that I should make the effort at all. SCBs live for girls like me. What I wonder, though, is if I had given Robert Marshall my correct phone number at the end of Grade 6 (instead of a fake one given in fear of a boy ACTUALLY calling me) if I might have ended up with a boyfriend like all the cool girls, and avoided seeing myself as some kind of troll living under a bridge and being totally undeserving of being liked. And it was true, Robert did have a crush on me, I was the only girl in school allowed to use his walkie talkies. Yep, you heard right. Walkie talkies. I'm sure it was true love. Or a convenient excuse, anyway.

I'm not good and ready just yet

2006-05-31T22:21:00.000+10:00

So 96 years ago today Elizabeth Blackwell died. I didn't think that meant very much until I discovered that she was the first woman to ever earn a medical degree, way back in 1849. I read her bio and she seemed like a great lady, setting fine examples of how all women should empower themselves, but I do have one bone to pick with her...

If she'd never dared to become a doctor, then it's highly possible that we wouldn't have to put up with this woman on TV:

I'm thinking of starting a Grey's Anatomy drinking game - everytime she says something that makes me roll my eyes and say "bitch!", we take a shot. Who's in?

I'll stop the obits when I'm good and ready

2006-05-30T23:02:00.000+10:00

I didn't know of anyone famous who died today however many years ago, so I did a quick search and what did I come up with?

Joan of Arc. Dead for 575 years today - I shit you not.

As for me? Today I broke my own personal record for consecutive days of being alive. And yes, that's as exciting as it gets.

So now you know why the lives of dead celebrities are more interesting than my own.

Don't want to weep for you, don't want to know

2006-05-29T18:46:00.000+10:00

Jeff Buckley has been gone 9 years today - and the intro to 'Grace' still fills my heart up every single time.

Lights will guide you home

2006-05-28T00:16:00.000+10:00

Today is 8 years since Phil Hartman was murdered.
The last few posts have been quotes from Phil's 'NewsRadio' and 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' characters; the man had a genuine gift for comedy that is truly missed.
Things will not improve tomorrow.

Fortune Cookie

2006-05-27T00:39:00.000+10:00

"'Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and the family'... Never really understood what that one meant, but it always stuck with me."

Vickie

2006-05-26T17:23:00.000+10:00

"Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. This way to the cafeteria!"

Bitchcakes

2006-05-25T18:42:00.000+10:00

"Nobody cares how beautiful the souffle is when the appetiser is turds in a blanket."

364 days til my birthday...

2006-05-21T21:32:00.000+10:00

So I have passed unceremoniously into my 26th year - big ups to me. Let's hear it for cheaper car insurance and being halfway to 50.
I took it easy on the diet this weekend so I could relax and enjoy my birthday without counting points, and as it turns out I am more relaxed now when dieting. I did enjoy myself, true, but I am completely over it now and I am looking forward to eating normally tomorrow. On Friday I went to the movies and had some popcorn and real Pepsi (that was great), then on Saturday I had a sausage mcmuffin etc (for anyone counting we're now up to about 21 points), parisienne shortbread, garlic prawns, chilli bread, veal in a lemon and butter creamy sauce, plus free birthday tiramisu (412 points). Then today I went out for lunch with my Dad and had a glass of wine, some garlic bread, some antipasto, crusty bread with olive oil and vinegar, and some chorizo/cheese/olive/basil pizza (49.8 million points). I am so glad it's over, as delicious as it all was. Next year I'm just going to stick a birthday candle in a rice cake and be done with it.
I'm shocked to discover that my 'diet' is now more normal to me than my old eating habits. My my, folks, I think I have a new lifestyle.

P.S - If you see my little tracker move backwards this week, don't worry. With my new dietlust 'I am not worried, I am not overly concerned'.

Uprounding

2006-05-16T21:44:00.000+10:00

I got so frustrated at work today I thumped my desk, and now my knuckle hurts. I'm holding out hope this is somehow covered under Workers' Comp and I can have some time off on the company dime.
On Rove Live tonight they're paying 2 people $20,000 to get a tattoo on their butt stating whether they scrunch or fold. I'd do that for $20,000.
I just got a payrise - more money! I'm sensing a theme.
I got a cheque back from mean old insurance agency today, they've decided their premiums were too high. God bless them.
I've now lost 6.2kg (that's a stone believe it or not) with not a great deal of effort. My pants all look like clown pants now, but I don't care. Yesterday I could have murdered someone for some KFC chips and gravy, but besides that I'm fine.
Why do I keep getting stabbed with underwire? Why?
I am truly in love with the voice of Neil Young. Weird and unexpected.
Oh yeah, it's my birthday on Saturday. I keep forgetting.

Finally

2006-05-09T21:08:00.000+10:00

Welcome back boys - it was a long 336 hours.

This morning on the radio a woman said that alot of people feel as though they've bonded with the photographs of Brant and Todd, and that they've befriended them in their hearts. I'd say that's about right. The above photo is of the guys walking out of the mine as promised - having just spent two weeks in what was essentially a crawlspace. My favourite moment was when the guy removed the tags that indicate they're down the mine, and put them on the "Safe" board. Ha!

The new Federal Budget was announced tonight - yet again we have the best tax breaks for the rich, because they obviously REALLY need them. How much does a Federal Treasurer get paid, Mr. Costello? Lucky me, I fall into the income bracket that's received the least reduction in tax rates. Fuck you very much.

There is something very wrong

2006-05-07T14:59:00.000+10:00

Here's a quick update for you:

Sophie Delezio is doing better than expected, she's in a chemically induced coma and will be on life support for at least the next few weeks. She has a punctured right lung, bleeding in the left lung, broken jaw, shoulder and facial injuries.

Brant & Todd are still underground - they were hoping to have them out last night but rescuers ran into some kind of rock that's 5 times harder than concrete and are having trouble getting through. Mining experts are bringing in some sort of explosive that we're hoping will work miracles without collapsing the joint. I'm still scared.

Channel 9 / 60 Minutes reporter Richard Carleton (who, without meaning to be disrespectful, was fond of wearing ladies frames) has just had a heart attack at the Beaconsfield mine while covering the rescue, and has been pronounced DOA at the hospital.

What's with this shit?

Everything is not about me.

2006-05-05T22:16:00.000+10:00

If you're living in Australia there are only 3 people on your mind right now: Brant Webb, Todd Russell and Sophie Delezio.

Last Tuesday, on April 25th, there was some seismic activity that caused a rock collapse at a gold mine in Beaconsfield, Tasmania. There were 3 men who didn't make it back out of the mine, and nothing was known about any survivors until April 27th when they found the body of Larry Knight. Things weren't looking good, with so much time having passed and no sign of the other missing miners. Then on Sunday night - after 5 nights spent 1km underground - thermal imaging cameras picked up Brant Webb and Todd Russell very much alive. They're now about to spend their 11th night in their tiny little hollow underground, waiting for rescuers to be able to reach them. A pilot hole was formed from the outside to where the guys are situated so that they've been able to send in food, water, messages from home and of course iPods. What mining disaster would be complete without an iPod? A 1-metre diametre hole is being made through the rock by some huge boring drill, that is taking forever to reach them - much better than rushing right in and collapsing the place I say - and the whole country is waiting and crossing their fingers for Brant and Todd to finally come up to the surface. These guys are amazing - spending so many days trapped in a very small little area, where they can hardly move at all, and they spend all day cracking jokes. They've requested the Saturday paper so they can look for new jobs, they claim they're staying in a 2-star hotel (and they're the 2 stars), hell they even had Dave Grohl offer to meet up with them for some cold beers anywhere, anytime - just because he heard they requested some Foo Fighters for their iPods. I'm an atheist, so there's no one I can ask for help on this one, but I am so scared something will go wrong and they're not going to make it back. I think everyone feels as though they know Brant and Todd now - for another accident to happen would be devastating.

Speaking of another accident, we have Sophie Delezio. In 2003 Sophie's day care centre had a car crash right through it, before catching on fire and bringing her within an inch of her life. She was pinned under the car and ended up losing her feet, her ear and some fingers at the age of 2, and she has other disfigurements no child should have to live with. Tonight she was being pushed in a pram across a pedestrian crossing by her carer when she was hit by a car. She had a heart attack shortly after and was flown to hospital in critical condition - though now it seems her injuries aren't as bad as they first thought. Sophie's going to be on life support for at least the next few weeks, and I heard that she now has some bad facial injuries on a face which was surprisingly undamaged from the first accident. Which makes you just have to ask the question - why THIS little girl? Why on earth should 1 of these things happen to a child, let alone BOTH of them?

Sometimes you feel like not tuning in to the news.
I know it doesn't mean much, but Brant, Todd and Sophie - I'm thinking of you.

...

2006-05-02T21:56:00.000+10:00

Off to QLD - See ya next week!

2006-04-26T14:57:00.000+10:00

Anzac Day

2006-04-25T00:40:00.000+10:00

Although it's fantastically exciting that today is a public holiday, it does bear remembering that it's there for a reason.

Firstly, an ANZAC was a soldier in the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps during World War I. Over the past 91 years the term ANZAC has - for I am unable to say it any better myself - "bequeathed an intangible but powerful legacy" that is a part of our national identity. The actual date of April 25th is commemorated because in 1915 it was the day of the Gallipoli landing, which quite frankly did not work out very well. There were to be 3 waves of troops (25,000 men) making the landing, securing the beach and gaining control of the high ground - which was absolutely essential for the success of the attack. They may have been able to do it too, except that they were landed more than a kilometre north of where they had planned, and the terrain was a nightmare. They landed at jagged, steep cliffs that couldn't be scaled and were ideal for concealing the Turkish snipers. The ANZAC troops lost contact with each other and never reached their objective. For eight months they stayed on in what is now known as Anzac Cove, making little progress, until both sides withdrew from the area.

The Australian War Memorial explains the ANZAC Spirit:

Although there was no military victory, the Australians displayed great courage, endurance, initiative, discipline, and mateship. Such qualities came to be seen
as the ANZAC spirit.
Many saw the ANZAC spirit as having been born of egalitarianism and mutual support. According to the stereotype, the ANZAC rejected unnecessary restrictions, possessed a sardonic sense of humour, was contemptuous of danger, and proved himself the equal of anyone on the battlefield.
Australians still invoke the ANZAC spirit in times of conflict, danger and hardship.

These days ANZAC Day honours all Australians who have died defending our country, and is a day when we should all remember to be thankful for their sacrifice.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

He is so smart! S-M-R-T!

2006-04-19T22:35:00.000+10:00

There's this really poxy morning show on Channel 10, called "9am with David and Kim" - and it's every bit as boring as the name suggests. David Reyne is not a smart man. This conversation took place during an interview with a doctor, regarding clinical trials that go wrong:

David Reyne: Some of these guys were given a placebo.
Dr. David Ritchie: Correct
David Reyne: I don’t really understand what a placebo is, but it seems to have, to have saved them! And wouldn’t it make sense that every time a trial like this takes place, that there’s a placebo on hand?
Dr. David Ritchie: A placebo is just an inactive agent! So it’s a...
Kim Watkins: It’s a pretend drug.
Dr. David Ritchie: It’s a pretend drug – it could be sterile saline for example with no active agent in it.
David Reyne: I was thinking it was a cure of some sort.
Dr. David Ritchie: No.

Here's the video.

"Is butter a carb?" "Yes."

2006-04-17T21:13:00.000+10:00

If you're easily bored I suggest you turn back now. The following is a series of ramblings from my feeble brain:

I had a little epiphany this weekend, about myself and food and the unhealthy relationship between the two. The epiphany is not that I comfort eat, because I would say 9 out of 10 people do that to some degree, but the big realisation was WHY I comfort eat - where that feeling comes from. When I was younger I spent alot of time by myself, and not by choice either. Being from a golfing family I would find myself every Sunday being foisted upon my grandparents to be babysat so that everyone could go off and play golf, which is no biggie really, except that I had nothing to do there and would spend hours alone, making up stupid games and the like. When I got old enough to stay at home by myself, I was no longer sent to the grandparents, and would spend all Sunday for about 12 hours in the house alone and bored. No, this isn't when I would eat.

When my Dad lived with us, things were not so bad because he was at least vaguely aware of my existence, but once he was gone I turned see-through. It was then that my Mum started wanting to go out on Saturday afternoons as well, and my sister was old enough to be out with her friends all weekend, so that just left me. As a bribe each Saturday afternoon my Mum would buy me a CD of my choice, and a big packet of pistachio nuts. To this day I can still demolish half a kilo in one sitting. So, this is when food started to keep me company.

The worst of it was that I would ring my Mum all afternoon and all night to ask her when she would be coming home - the answer was always "soon" (which meant hours, not minutes), with a promise of McDonalds for dinner. So guess what happens next? Suddenly McDonalds is associated - in my mind - with fixing my alone and lonely feelings. Christ, it's like I'm a psychologist or something. As the years went on, I kept using all the take-away foods for this purpose, which of course ended up with me gaining weight and feeling awful. The more weight I gained, the more I isolated myself from situations where I felt self-conscious, and from the people who kept trying to get me to un-isolate myself. So what happens when you isolate yourself like that? You feel alone and lonely, and the cycle continues visciously to the point where you have to join Weight Watchers and you have less self-worth than a piece of toilet paper.

How did I come across this epiphany? Well I had a little micro-breakdown over the weekend because I felt awful and alone, and I knew that I couldn't comfort-eat the way I normally would and still stick to my Weight Watchers plan. How upsetting. Even more upsetting was my eventual realisation that not only could I not eat the food that would make me feel better, but that no food could make me feel better anyway. It's tough to be at the bottom of a hole and see your handy dandy escape ladder being pulled up and out of your reach. I think these ramblings will help me to stop using food for comfort though, so there's that.

We will now resume normal programming.

It's Ronntacular!

2006-04-15T13:14:00.000+10:00

In honour of the 4 day Easter weekend, and my generally good mood, I have decided to present you with my new favourite thing.

Germany had David 'The Hoff' Hasselhoff.
Australia has embraced 'The Ridge'.

We just love Ronn Moss - he's everything an Aussie should be. He's unpretentious, very funny and such a good sport. I think he's even Rove's most favourite guest ever. And now he's the patron saint of orange juice.

If you care to stroll over to the Vote Ronn website, and wait for the video to load, you'll see Ronn in his Berri fruit juice ad, which cracks me up everytime I see it. It's right up there with the other 2 best ads of all time - the Carlton Draught "it's a big ad, my god it's big" and the Yellow Pages "not happy Jan!".

If you get a kick out of the ad you may also care to take a look at the "Aussie Ronn Generator". I know that's where I'll be spending the rest of my day.

Smiling as the shit comes down

2006-04-10T21:56:00.000+10:00

I am quite severely sunburnt in my neck crinkles. I sat in the sun-soaked SCG for more than 4 hours without a Tom Skerritt of sunscreen on, and I am now so red I'm almost purple. Everywhere else on me is fine, but it looks like I'm wearing a big red collar, not dissimilar from the kind they put around dogs on occasion. Oh, the pain of sunburn in neck crinkles!

The Biggest Loser has taken a turn for the nasty. In short, I hate Kristie and she is just an awful, awful person. A manipulator, a liar, a cheater and scheming shithead. She'll get hers now Jo is back in the house, though I don't think there's much chance of anyone beating the fuckstick to the cash prize. Adro was a bit of a disappointment tonight when he went back on his promise to Shane not to vote him off - a very Kristie-esque moment. Fiona keeps going on about how she can't believe she has made it this far (!) but I wonder if she realises the only reason she's still there is because she keeps putting on weight and in terms of winning the money she's of no threat to anyone? Wouldn't it be cute if Jillian and Shane were in lurrrrve? Yes.

My good mood is coming and going in stages. Today, for example, I was having what is almost-affectionately known at work as one of my 'Desk Thumpers'. If I'm having a bad day you can hear me hammering away at the keyboard from 2 suburbs over. If I'm having a really shitty day you can hear me thump my desk from Switzerland. My patience has completely dried up these last couple of days - I can't tolerate stupid, whiney customers, I don't have the energy for witch-hunts, and I'm just fucking tired. I'll be using the upcoming 4 day weekend to get some serious running done, and I'm sure I'll feel a million times better. Today there was Irish Cream cheesecake for someone's birthday and because of my Weight Watchers I couldn't have any. I'm not sure if I'm angry that I couldn't try the cake or I'm angry that I let myself get so overweight that I couldn't try the cake.

All in all though, today has been the worst one yet. In general I've been practically enjoying the diet, especially since I discovered that Honey Jumbles are only half a point each. I think I get to Mondays and I am all out of motivation to keep going. My meeting is on Tuesday nights so at least on Tuesday I have something to aim for, but on Monday I just couldn't care less and it's a struggle not to eat every food in the world. I guess that's why they have meetings, so you can resume giving a shit for another 6 days. Not that life is all that hard - tonight I made a low-point Mushroom & Blue Cheese Quiche for dinner. Boo-hoo, right?

I pity the April Fool!

2006-04-01T22:35:00.000+11:00

Google's latest April Fool's joke - really, really funny.

Well folks, I feel great. I think maybe the exercise I've done this week has produced endorphins that are making me a happy, nice person. It's so weird. I've hardly snapped at anyone, made very few snide remarks, and have actually been generous and maybe even a little friendly. So weird. If a few endorphins are all it takes to keep me feeling this way, then hand me my running shoes!

Other good news is that I've just found out this week that I have paid up my HECS debts! For those not in the know, HECS is like an education credit card - when you want to go to uni you just charge it all to your HECS and then once you start earning over a certain amount of money they garnish your wage to pay it back. So, 6 years after dropping out of uni and not learning anything while I was there, I have paid it off! I feel like doing the Dance of Joy with Cousin Larry.

Time keeps on slipping

2006-03-26T22:10:00.000+11:00

If there's one thing we know about life, it's that you cannot change time. You can't reverse it or speed it up or bend it any way you choose. Often we have too much of it, or not enough, or it's getting away from us and we're racing against it. They say it's death and taxes, but I would have thought it would be time as well. So why then must we have 1 extra week of daylight saving time on a whim? It's the Commonwealth Games that did it, we didn't want to change clocks in the middle of the proceedings and confuse everyone. It just makes time seem silly though, as though we can control it and show it who's boss. Nice try, but no cigar. Time still wins. I wish it was next week, and dark at 6 o'clock. Actually, I always wish for something it isn't.

I went to Ladies Day at the races this weekend - horrible, crippling self-confidence issues in tow. None of this helped by my mother who told me during my races-eve dress rehearsal how much weight I need to lose and how she hoped no one would ask me if I was pregnant. I didn't have alot of time to worry about how bad I looked though, because I wore my painful new teal shoes and I lost alot of feeling in my toenails as the day wore on. I was much relieved to see a very large girl there wearing a midriff bearing ensemble, with her stretch-marked white belly hanging out in full view. I felt positively stylish after that.
What I DID take away from this races experience was how much I miss men. At the next table there was a boyfriend and girlfriend there together, and as the 8 hours of champagne took effect they started making out at the table (which was a little gross because as you know, alcohol does affect your aim) but it made me think of how long it's been since I've even kissed someone - ie. ages - and that was a pretty sad thought. So, armed with my new determination to kiss once more, and my even greater determination to have sex again before I die, I will be attending my local Weight Watcherooni meeting this week, and all the weeks after. A pash before Christmas seems like a reasonable goal to me. (See that, Gwatahoosie? A goal!!)

Bloody bloody bloody. Hell hell hell!

2006-03-23T18:32:00.000+11:00

I was just going to remain bemused by all of the hoopla surrounding the "Where the bloody hell are you?" ads that are being shown overseas, but now I'm starting to get a little up in arms about the reaction.

You can find the ad over at Knitty Kitty's if you haven't seen it - the basic outline is we're trying to advertise Australia as a tourist destination, giving the impression that we've prepared the country just for YOU, and we're ready for you to come and visit. So, where the bloody hell are you? It's meant to be friendly!

Here's what I read today on ninemsn:

"The controversial commercial has made its US debut in front of 20 million American TV viewers and one influential group was not amused. The American Family Association (AFA), which has more than two million members and leads campaigns against abortion and gay rights, was upset with the bikini-clad model Lara Bingle's use of "bloody" and "hell" in the ad's tagline."
Right... I can see why these reasonable people should be involved. They seem very stable.

"British TV authorities dropped a ban on the use of the word "bloody" after pressure from Australia, but now Canadian authorities are unhappy with the way the ad portrays beer drinking."
And how is that exactly? That if you're on holiday you might enjoy a cool, refreshing beverage?

"When you think 'bloody' in America you think the red liquid that flows from human bodies which is usually a sign of some kind of violence," [AFA Director of Special Projects] Sharp said. "Australians are spending all of these millions of dollars inviting us, and if we go over there are we going to be exposing our kids to foul language and images of bloody?"
YOU DICKHEAD.

It's just an ad. "Bloody hell", and similar variations, are a normal part of the speech here, and only the most uptight, sensitive types would flinch at hearing it. I personally don't really like the ad, it seems pretty dumb to me and I am once again a bit embarrassed at the type of Australia that gets promoted overseas, but I'll defend this stupid ad to the death against big crybabies who have nothing better to do with their time than whinge about it.

On a happier note, I am loving the Commonwealth Games. Australia has won 158 medals so far (more than double our closest competition - England) and John Steffensen is my new favourite person. The Games remind me of being a kid, and watching people like Duncan Armstrong and Hailey Lewis and I don't know... they just make me feel secure and happy. Now THAT'S sad.

How to be like me

2006-03-22T08:34:00.000+11:00

Cough.
Cough.
Sneeze.
Cough.
Blow nose.
Cough.
Sniff.
Cough.
Sleep.

Repeat.

Even my hair looks better

2006-03-14T19:38:00.000+11:00

Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented for me on the last post, I don't know what to say to explain how much it helped and how much it means to me. The blog world gives you just enough anonimity to open up about the worst parts of yourself, and to have so many generous and thoughtful people take the time to comment has helped me a great deal. I went to see my doctor about the things that are bothering me, and while he does agree that I am suffering from depression he basically said unless I'm about to kill myself he's not prescribing any medication. I really should decide now if I'm going to a different doctor, or if I'm going to just do what this doctor told me to do: read a book about depression and look up some useful depression-related websites. Now I'm not saying that doctors should prescribe medication everytime someone says they're unhappy, but I do feel like he's given me the brush-off.

Over the past week I've been reasonably happy; catching up on sleep (but not in a depressed, sleep all day way), getting some excercise, trying to eat something other than Burger Rings and Coke, listening to Stevie Wonder and enjoying my new shoes. I've decided to bite the bullet and make a - gasp! - public appearance at Ladies Day at the races. I went out on the weekend and bought the new ensemble, with the greatest teal shoes ever created. I even have a feathery fascinator. I know I may feel extremely, excruciatingly uncomfortable being out there in a public "oh my god look at what she's wearing!" sort of place, but part of my problem is that I've stopped doing anything that scares me. I am going to be 50 and living at home with my mum, and she'll be my only friend. So things have to change. I'll also be doing an 8-week course with a friend from work about managing emotions and assertiveness and all sorts of healthy, well-adjusted things like that. All that being said, not all the times are good times, and I have lots of work yet to do to get back to feeling consistently good.

And as Homer Simpson says: "I am NOT too fat! I'm alive, aren't I?"

The Literal Mime

2006-03-04T21:00:00.000+11:00

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a disaster - and it's a place I've been before. I can just let go and fall into the hole, it would mean less effort for me and quite frankly it's a comfortable option. It would also mean alot of nagging and secrets and "Well I just don't know what to do about her", but the option is there.

On the other hand, I could hang on to the edge for as long as I can. It's a harder choice that one, it means being responsible and having some faith in being able to pull myself back up eventually. I don't like this idea because it's so stagnant and I know that things will go on as usual, not changing. I will still be the same person I am right now, which is so unappealing I wonder if I would even prefer to be worse as long as it's different. Which means going with the "let go and fall in" option...

I keep thinking of what's required in hanging on, and I don't know if I can do it. If I thought it was for a week, or a year, maybe I could - but it's just so damn "forever". Too much needs to be done, too many changes to be made and really I just feel so hopeless again. Invisible and too visible and boring and wrong. And so incapable of being as good as everyone else.

The best option would be to step back from the edge, and to take long strides in the opposite direction. This is the option that I keep expecting to just happen, without me having to put in any effort into changing myself or my life. This way I would be perfect, all grown up and focused and well balanced and worthy. I don't know - has anyone ever done that?

I know what's brought this on. I'm working too hard and extremely stressed about money. I am by nature a control freak - I can't owe anyone as much as 5 cents without losing sleep over it, and I can't get my head above water at the moment. I know things will improve but it's a situation I can't handle right now. Adding to my unhappiness is my complete dissatisfaction with every aspect of my appearance, from my ugly hair to my suddenly bad skin, and from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I feel like I'm inside a glass box, and because no one else can see it they don't know why I'm stuck.